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| Supersonic Eye Openers to Sharpen Your Type A Smarts |
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Thankful for the Courage to Quit
/>Ev’ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
Lyrics from The Gambler
One of the hardest things for a top performing Type A to do is to walk away, throw in the towel and surrender. It’s just not in our nature.
It feels easier (and, if we admit it, safer) to accelerate full speed ahead rather than turn the wheel in a new direction. In our heads, the conversation usually revolves around a common Type A mindset:
“If I just try harder, I can make this work.”
When we run into resistance, our natural inclination is to push ourselves (and others) even harder.
For top performing Type A’s who are used to powering their way through even the toughest challenges, this kind of thinking can be the magic catalyst behind achieving extraordinary results. Yet, when this thinking becomes our default approach, it can be dangerously seductive and – at times – downright silly.
Many times we stay in bad situations too long because we don’t know when or how to quit. Bad situations like:
A job that is sucking our soul dry.
A relationship that has withered beyond repair.
A career that provides a paycheck but doesn’t speak to our passion.
I know. I’ve banged my Type A head against the wall in each of the examples above until I was black and blue with frustration. Thankfully, in each situation, I finally found the courage to quit.
This Thanksgiving I am especially thankful that I have learned that trying harder sometimes creates more collateral damage than quitting.
My wish for you on this Thanksgiving holiday is the courage to know when you’ve done all that you can do and it’s time to walk away.
As Kenny Rogers sings…
You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
What do you need to walk away from?
Type A Cop Out
“I’m sure Jack didn’t mean to be rude. I’m just going to give him the benefit of the doubt.”
“I’m surprised Carolyn didn’t copy me on that email, but I don’t have time to deal with nitpicky things. I’m just going to give her the benefit of the doubt.”
“Ian’s report is late, but he’s our top salesperson and I’m sure he’s busy with clients. I’ll just give him the benefit of the doubt.”
Are you giving people the benefit of the doubt as an easy way out?
Too many fast-moving, overcommitted Type A’s take this easy way out instead of stepping up and speaking up. It usually sounds a little bit like this…
“I’m too busy to deal with this, so I’ll just give her the benefit of the doubt.
“I’m sure he didn’t mean it, so I’ll just give him the benefit of the doubt.”
“We all make mistakes, so I’ll just give him the benefit of the doubt.”
“I don’t want to stir anything up, so I’ll just give her the benefit of the doubt.”
Ring a bell?
We like to tell ourselves that we’re being practical or kind or efficient by offering the benefit of the doubt.
Here’s the real deal. When the benefit of the doubt becomes a convenient excuse to avoid dealing with a problem, hot dogs become weenies.
Giving someone the benefit of the doubt does not mean that you delay dealing with a troubling situation. It means you address your concerns while keeping an open mind.
Don’t be a weenie. Step up and speak up.
Tom Wynne’s Coal Mining Wisdom
Tom Wynne, Chief Operating Officer, Alliance Coal
We’ve all been there. One team member was slacking off and putting the rest of the team at risk.
“That’s when I learned.” Tom leans back in his chair and smiles at the memory. “In the mines, everybody every day says what they are thinking because if they don’t, things get filed. When things get filed… people get hurt.”
Miners don’t mince words. With lives on the line, there’s no room for tip-toeing around egos or sticking your head in the sand.
Tom travels back to his days as a mining engineer fresh out of college.
“I wasn’t a good coal miner. I didn’t know anything about coal mining. I had to say, ‘You guys have to help me.’
Nearly thirty years later, miner’s wisdom still flows through Tom’s veins like black rivers of coal flowing through the earth.
“There is an unbelievable bond among coal miners. They watch out for one another. They have each others’ backs. It’s the culture of the mines.”
You can’t miss the heartfelt respect and deep admiration he has for the men and women who have taught him so much. For Tom Wynne, senior vice president and chief operating officer for Alliance Coal, a publicly traded company with mining operations in five states, the coal miners aren’t simply cogs in a corporate wheel. They are teachers, friends and family.
Tom’s words are punctuated with a warrior’s gritty passion.
“Coal miners face conflict every moment of every day! They have to work together. When it all works, it is so cool! It’s something that you marvel at.”
With an evangelist’s zeal, Tom leans forward and proudly proclaims, “Coal mining is the greatest team sport!”
I chuckle. This last comment, coming from a guy whose office is a modest shrine to the Pittsburgh Steelers, is the ultimate compliment to coal miners.
Our conversation shifts back to conflict. Just like the coal miners, turbocharged Type A’s frequently work in a world filled with conflict and I’m curious what advice Tom has to offer.
“I’m never going to hold back. I’m going to tell you what I think every day. Then we’re going to resolve our differences, make a decision and move on. You have to move on. You can’t afford not to move on.”
Great wisdom for Type A superstars who hold onto conflict like a dog with a bone. Speak your mind. Make a decision. Settle your differences. Turn loose.
I ask Tom how he transforms conflict from a team killer into a team builder. His answer is immediate.
“The secret is in the follow-up. Decisions are going to be made that not everyone agrees with. Admit it. There’s going to be disagreements. You’ve got to make the decision and then follow-up with those who don’t agree with the decision. You’ve got to let them know that their opinions and ideas are important. You’ve got to encourage them to keep bringing it. This decision may not have gone in their favor, but they are important members of this team.”
Tom pauses and then adds, “And you’ve got to admit when you’re wrong. Face it. You’re going to make mistakes. You’ve got to own up to the screw up.”
Own up to the screw up. The simplicity and power of Tom’s words cut right to the issue. It’s so tempting to sweep our screw ups under the rug. Unfortunately, when we sweep, we turn trust into dust.
Coal mining is a tough, 24/7 business. I ask Tom how he handles the pressure.
“Pressure? To me, it’s not really anything. There are lots of worse things than making business decisions. I always look to the positive. Yeah, the mine may be on fire, but all of our people are out and safe. When people can get killed, it helps you keep everything in perspective.”
The miner’s wisdom surfaces again. It’s all about keeping things real.
As our time comes to a close, Tom sums up the most valuable lessons he has learned from deep within the mines.
1. Watch for conflict. You can’t deal with it if you don’t see it.
2. Decisions create conflict. Confront the conflict. If you don’t, you push your people farther and farther away. Don’t let them leave discouraged. Follow up, follow up and follow up.
Thinking back over our conversation, one thing is crystal clear. When things are filed, champs become chumps.
Enough is enough!
“She’s got to show up at work with a better attitude or find another job. Enough… is… enough!”
Type A’s seldom make the time to take care of the small irritations.
Then, KA-BOOM! Enough is enough!
Like a tiny pebble in our shoe rubbing a blister on a long walk, what finally pushes us over the edge is usually so small, commonplace and insignificant that other people don’t even notice it. Instead, what they see is your erupting geyser of impatience, anger or drastic action that seems blown out of proportion to the situation. You look like a silly, overly emotional hothead. Talk about collateral damage!
Do yourself a favor. Deal with the small irritations before they drive you crazy.
What issue is slowly pushing you to the point of screaming like a Type A tea kettle?
Kelly Flood’s Kitchen Table Wisdom
“I’m such a Type A that I’m even a Type A when I’m decorating my home for the holidays.”
Whip together powerful, passionate and driven. Then stir in warm and thoughtful. Top it all off with a quick sense of humor and a healthy dose of perspective. That describes Type A tribe member, Rev. Kelly Flood, Kentucky State Representative and Vice President for Advancement for Starr King School for the Ministry located in Berkley, CA.
While commuting between California and Kentucky keeps her super busy, Kelly slowed down long enough to share her personal insights regarding the collateral damage so often unwittingly created by turbocharged Type A’s.
“When I was younger, I certainly created collateral damage in my drive to achieve. I finally realized that I didn’t want to spend my energy cleaning up the collateral damage I created. I want to spend my energy working for the greater good in society. How I spend my energy is a motivator for me.”
Kelly slips into thought and then adds, “Earlier in my life, it would infuriate me when my family and friends would tell me to calm down. I felt like they were telling me to shut up. Then I realized that calming down was really about learning to direct my energy. When I direct my energy, I’m able to achieve without creating collateral damage.”
A knowing smile creeps across Kelly’s face. “Passion can cloud perspective. Discernment of passions is wisdom.”
I ask Kelly what she does at this point in her life to avoid creating collateral damage.
“First and most importantly, I keep compassion for myself. That reminds me to have compassion for my enemies. By having compassion for my enemies, it prevents me from seeing them as demons and doing harm to them.”
“Secondly, don’t always believe what you tell yourself. I have a tendency to believe myself too quickly. When you feel passionately about something it’s easy to believe what you tell yourself. I’m always trying to engage my critical mind by asking, ‘What’s the rest of the story?’ I’ve learned to listen for the thoughts that cause trouble like… ‘I deserve….’ or ‘I’ve worked hard…’ These thoughts get my attention that I may be undermining myself.”
We talk for a few minutes about how collateral damage isn’t always about other people. Very often, Type A collateral damage is internal. It’s the consequences of allowing our passion and drive to push us beyond what’s healthy for our bodies. This internal collateral damage can be the most difficult for hard-driving Type A’s to see until it takes a big toll on our well-being.
“It’s so easy to deny what our bodies’ messages are,” Kelly observes. “We choose not to listen because we are on such an enormous high from living the passion-infused life.”
So, what advice does Kelly have for Type A tribe members who want to avoid creating collateral damage?
Kelly thinks long and hard before answering. You can see her critical mind weighing each thought for merit.
“You need to be connected to:
1. Your self.
2. Your family, as you choose to define it.
3. A mission in life that feeds your soul.
4. Friends who will tell you the truth.
“In the past, I created collateral damage when I behaved as if I was not connected to anything… when I did not own my accountability…when I acted like an island.”
With a mischievous sparkle in her eye, Kelly quickly adds in a playful voice, “We Type A’s can be very independent! We like to do things by ourselves.”
Kelly’s expression softens as she gazes through her kitchen window into her garden. “At this point in my life, I’ve come to treasure moments of serenity.”
I ask Kelly what serenity means for her.
“Serenity is the ability to know – wholly – that life is great. Just being alive is great. I am so glad to be a human being that is alive.”
One thing is really clear. For this powerful and passionate woman, discernment of passions is more than wisdom. It’s serenity.
Are You Swinging on the Patience Pendulum?
Admit it. You’ve heard it your whole Type A life.
“You need to be more patient.”
What makes you blow a gasket?
Getting stuck behind a slow driver? Cleaning up other people’s problems? Working like a whirling dervish and still not conquering your To Do List?
Impatience shows up when something stands between you and what you want to accomplish.
A little well placed impatience can be the catalyst to break through the status quo. Yet we all know there are times when it really does pay to slow down and take a deep breath instead of turning into a bulldozing Vesuvius.
Patience versus impatience. It’s an age old Catch-22 for Type A top guns.
Let’s be honest.
Patience is hard for turbocharged Type A’s to perfect. We tend to swing on a pendulum between bulldozer and balloon.
You bulldoze through irritating impediments. Then that little voice in your head wags a disapproving finger…
“You need to be more patient.”
Determined to be more patient, the pendulum swings into balloon mode and you’re floating on the laid back winds of “whatever”.
Big mistake.
Over-correcting your impatience can crash your credibility into a tree.
Tolerating incompetence or overlooking blunders all in the name of being more patient makes you appear spineless or, worse yet, clueless.
And here’s the deal. The more you put up with, tolerate or overlook the small problems, the greater your stress becomes until BOOM! You explode into bulldozer mode.
Here’s the brutal truth most people are too afraid to tell you.
When you swing back and forth between ripping through obstacles and floating on the breeze of “whatever”, you are unpredictable.
People begin to tiptoe around you because they never know if they’re gonna run into the bulldozer or the balloon. They don’t trust you. That’s when the big problems pop up.
Unpredictable = untrustworthy = problems
The last thing you need are more problems standing between you and what you’re trying to accomplish. And all because your patience pendulum is swinging wildly between the two extremes…Put Up or Blow Up.
When it comes to the Patience Pendulum, instead of Put Up or Blow Up, you need to Wake Up.
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It’s time to wake up and smell the truth. Like gas guzzling relics, traditional Type A’s are becoming passé. In the good ole’ days, with their steely-eyed focus and turbo-charged tactics, Type A’s could dominate the game by slicing, dicing and sacrificing. That pricey party is over. Award-winning executive coach Kay Cannon offers a funny insider’s look into the secret world of top performing Type A individuals and redefines how these talented and smart superstars can get great results without collateral damage.