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Decide to be Satisfied
Jacquie Smith and her business partner, Debbie Dyer
“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours.”
Ayn Rand
“I am satisfied.”
The words floated up like contented butterflies to her daughter’s anxious face. They were the last words she spoke to her daughter.
Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, the best-selling author of Kitchen Table Wisdom, shared her mother’s story with the audience. Given only a 40% chance of surviving surgery, her mother had chosen to have the dangerous surgery rather than shrink wrap her life to fit within the dissatisfying prison of her diseased heart. Her mother died during surgery. The courageous woman died satisfied just as she had lived satisfied.
Dr. Remen explained that her mother’s satisfaction wasn’t the byproduct of longevity. Nor was it a surprise gift delivered by chance. With a daughter’s knowing smile, Dr. Remen remembered her mother’s satisfaction as an invited companion who was intentionally crafted and lovingly nourished throughout a lifetime of disappointments, obstacles and frustrations. Satisfaction was her mother’s choice – her decision in life.
Finishing her story, Dr. Remen turned to the audience and asked, “Are you truly satisfied with your life? Satisfaction – or dissatisfaction – is your decision. What do you choose?”
Dr. Remen’s question landed in my heart with a bittersweet splash. Just the day before, my dear friend, Jacquie Smith, had died without warning at the age of 49.
Jacquie was a vibrant woman known for her quick wit, cackling laughter and tenacious and generous heart. Her sudden death carved canyons of sorrow deep into the lives of many people. Yet amidst my grief and sense of emptiness, I discovered a smile creeping across my face. I knew Jacquie, the devoted mother and wife, successful business owner and beloved community leader, would answer Dr. Remen’s question with a cocky nod, “I am satisfied.”
And, like Dr. Remen’s mother, Jacquie’s satisfaction with life wasn’t delivered on a silver platter. As a young, single mother with a special needs child, Jacquie refused to accept the long odds betting against her. She found a way through the obstacles and struggles to earn her college degree. Several years later, when the dream of starting her own business was met with skepticism and the banks’ refusal to loan money to a woman, Jacquie simply took another road to satisfaction. Using grit and integrity, Jacquie and her business partner, Debbie Dyer, turned $50 into an award-winning, multi-million dollar business, Central Kentucky Research Associates.
During her journey, Jacquie never let disappointment be anything more than a temporary distraction on her path of satisfaction. When an employee didn’t meet her expectations, Jacquie stepped outside of her anger and frustration to find a better solution. When community service projects sputtered, she looked for new sparks to ignite enthusiasm. For Jacquie her satisfaction – or dissatisfaction – was simply a matter of personal choice.
There is nothing more powerful than the shock of death to bring the concept of satisfaction – or your lack of it – into razor-sharp focus. If your life ended today, could you say with complete honesty, “I am satisfied?”
Satisfaction and dissatisfaction are yours to choose. What do you choose? Are you satisfied with your life, your work and your employees? Or are you locked in frustration, battling unmet expectations and dancing with disappointment? Is your life filled with complaining or joyful determination?
Decide to be satisfied.
Do You Agree with the Gent from DC?
On a recent flight from Phoenix to Charlotte, I found myself sitting next to a mid-level manager. Like Moses on the mount, the fellow made a proclamation that snagged my attention like a rusty barbed wire.
“The key to success is keeping your boss happy by doing exactly what he says.”
That got my Type A self to thinking.
Is the secret to a happy boss the “Your Wish is My Command” mindset?
Do you agree with the gent from D.C?
What makes the boss happy?
Brown nosing robots or creative contributors?
Boundary pushing thinkers or don’t rock the boat troops?
Give your opinion. Free the genie.
Whip the Weasel
Back channeling. Double talk. Political puffery. Bouncing decisions.
Must be springtime. The weasels are out in full force.
Last week several Type A straight shooting, get-it-done clients were at their wits’ end with the exact same problem. A passive aggressive co-worker – the weasel of the workplace – was playing and winning a shell game of slimy shenanigans.
Why was the weasel winning?
Simple. All of my clients made the exact same mistake.
They were seduced into believing the weasel’s game was all about business. Like most Type A top guns, they kept their eye squarely on the business ball.
Deadly mistake when you’re dealing with a sneaky predator.
Listen carefully.
Weasels play for personal power and control. Business is just the backdrop for the weasel’s game.
The weasel lulls you into believing it’s all about business and then he sinks his teeth in the back of your neck. Keep your eye on the business ball and you’re a sitting duck.
Want to whip the weasel? Follow these three steps.
1. Look the weasel in the eye.
2. Ask “What’s this really about?”
3. Repeat “What’s this really about?” until you get a straight answer or the weasel slinks off looking for weaker prey.
Ask the question. Whip the weasel. Get back to business.
What have you done to whip the weasel?
Why Type A’s are Prone to Guilt Gone Awry
In my last blog post, we took a look at Guilt Gone Awry. Today, I’m going to reveal why Type A’s are especially prone to Guilt Gone Awry.
You know you’ve got a case of Guilt Gone Awry when your logical mind tells you that you have done nothing wrong, but that little voice in your head scolds nonstop. Guilt Gone Awry is a form of Type A collateral damage.
Before I solve the mystery of why Type A’s are so susceptible to Guilt Gone Awry, let’s do a quick recap of Guilt 101.
As you grow up, authority figures program you to play by the rules so you get along with others. These rules are expectations for good behavior as determined by others. At an early age, when you break these rules, you are taught to feel badly – or guilty. The person who uses guilt assumes you have complete control over your behavior. The bottom line: Guilt is a tool used to control behaviors deemed to be undesirable or harmful to others.
Here’s the inside scoop on why Type A’s let guilt run a muck.
Think back to Guilt 101. By definition, there has to be an unmet expectation for guilt to be triggered. This is the first place where Type A’s get gummed up in guilt.
Type A’s are notorious for setting extremely high expectations. We often set these unrealistic expectations as a means of pushing ourselves and others to ever higher levels of achievement. As expectations soar, the likelihood of failure increases. Each time you or someone else fails to jump over the moon the trigger on your Guilt-O-Meter gets yanked. Pretty soon, you’re spewing a perpetual fountain of Guilt Gone Awry all because you benchmark your behavior (and that of others) against unrealistic Type A expectations.
But that’s only half the story.
For guilt to be legitimate, you must have complete control. Quite simply, when control is missing, guilt isn’t an appropriate reaction. This is the second place where Type A guilt veers off course and causes collateral damage.
Truth be told, Type A’s believe we control much more than we really do. We perpetuate an illusion of control even when we don’t have control. It’s one of the ways we convince ourselves that we have the power to achieve those unrealistic expectations. It’s also why we hold ourselves accountable for things that we really have no control over. This misplaced accountability creates unnecessary guilt.
So what does all this mean?
Unrealistic Type A Expectations + Type A Illusions of Control = Guilt Gone Awry
What unrealistic expectations are you lugging around?
Unraveling Type A Guilt Gone Awry
A reader writes:
Right now I could use a blog from you about how a Type A really needs to be sick when she’s sick. I’m proud of myself for NOT going to the conference this week because I’ve been so sick, but I’m feeling so guilty about letting down the conference since I was supposed to be a speaker.
I made the choice NOT to infect all those other people and to stay home and take care of myself. Now I feel guilty about the choice (even though I know it was the right one) and that I’ve let down conference planners and attendees. I feel so guilty about not going that I’m working at home so much that I’m not resting enough to get well.
Dear Stuck at Home with a Bad Case of Guilty Flu,
Good news! You are suffering from a common Type A ailment which is easily cured – guilt gone awry. But before I give you the magic potion, a quicky course in Guilt 101 is needed.
Imagine you are in charge of a daycare. Hair is being pulled. Toys are being stolen. Eyes are being gouged. There is shrieking and bedlam in every which way. Desperate to get control over the chaos, you zero in on one of the troublemakers and let fly, “Sally, good little girls don’t behave like this! We do NOT pull hair! How would you like it if Suzy pulled your hair? Sally, you should feel bad that you hurt Suzy. Now apologize and make up!”
Shamed into submission, little Sally slinks away wrapped in a blanket of guilt. You just played the game of guilt to put the kibosh on Sally’s wicked hair pulling. Guilt is a tool used to control behaviors deemed to be undesirable. We use it on ourselves, our kids, our spouses, our co-workers and we even try to use it on our dogs. Cats not so much for reasons any cat owner can understand.
As you grow up, authority figures program you to play by the rules so you get along with others. These rules are expectations for good behavior. Your family, teachers, church and culture all chip in to program you to be their version of a good little person. In your note, I noticed you’ve been programmed to believe:
“Good girls keep their promises.”
“Good girls don’t sneeze and cough on others.”
“Good girls do their work.”
Sound familiar? We all have hundreds and hundreds of these rules programmed into us. They are so deeply ingrained in us that they become unconscious mindsets which we use to navigate through life on autopilot. It’s these unconscious mindsets that often lead to Type A collateral damage including guilt gone awry.
At an early age, when you break these rules, you are taught to feel badly – or guilty. Over time, guilt can become conditioned to be an automatic reaction. Guilt can be used to motivate or punish. You can use it on yourself or on others.
“I don’t want to feel guilty so I’ll have a carrot instead of that raspberry jelly donut.”
“You shouldn’t take a vacation day when we are so slammed at work! That was really inconsiderate.”
Guilt also assumes you have complete control over your behavior and the situation surrounding it. For instance, daycare Sally had complete control of her hair-pulling. On the other hand, you, dear reader, do not have complete control of your situation so you’re suffering from the common malady of guilt gone awry.
You only control your decisions to stay home and to overwork even when horribly sick. That you have a nasty case of the flu at the precise time of the conference is out of your control. You can’t help it that you have the flu and are physically unable to attend the conference. So, by definition, your situation doesn’t qualify for guilt.
So why are you feeling guilty and working so hard at home that you’re not recovering? Let me break this down for you by dialing back into your childhood programming. These are the coordinates that you are automatically using to navigate through this situation.
“Good girls keep their promises.”
“Good girls don’t sneeze and cough on others.”
“Good girls do their work.”
Notice, in this particular situation, it’s not possible to obey all of your old programming. If you want to be a good girl and not sneeze or cough on others, you’ll have to break a promise and not go to the conference. Uh-oh. There’s an irresolvable conflict between your old programming and your current reality. So how does your unconscious, conditioned brain resolve this dilemma?
It automatically flips the guilty switch to punish you for breaking a rule (“Good girls keep their promises.”) and, at the same time, it decides you need to make amends for being a bad girl by overdoing a rule which you can keep (“Good girls do their work.”). So now you find yourself feeling guilty about breaking a promise and working so hard at home that you can’t recover from the flu… all because you unconsciously want to be seen as a good girl again. (And then you beat yourself up for not resting. Yada Yada Yada. The guilt cycle continues and collateral damage accummulates.)
What’s the magic potion that breaks this cycle? Taking control away from your autopilot brain and telling yourself the truth. In spite of what your Type A brain might want to believe, you do not have control over the flu. The wise thing to do is prevent the spread of disease and rest so you can return to work as quickly as possible and at full speed. You haven’t been a bad girl that needs to make up for being sick by punishing yourself with guilt gone awry and excessive working while ill.
Why are Type A’s so susceptible to guilt gone awry? I’ll tackle that topic in the next blog post.
A big thanks to the reader who posed the question. I love it when you talk to me. Opinions. Arguments. Headaches. Requests. Bring ‘em on! Tell me what you think.
Fixing People Problems Is Hard – Bah Humbug!
I heard it again last week from a chief operating officer….
“We’ve got a real problem with this director, but I’m uncomfortable talking to him about a 360 assessment and executive coaching. Our company has never done anything like that before. I don’t want to upset him. I need to go real slow and be real careful. You know, it’s really hard to fix people problems.”
Bah humbug! It is not hard to fix people problems. Don’t let your discomfort be an excuse for postponing performance improvement.
I’ve got to rant about this all-to-common executive smoke screen.
Let’s be clear. Yes, there are some people who will not improve their performance regardless of how much you try and how long you wait. But those people are the rare exception. Those people are not bad employees, they are bad hiring decisions. They shouldn’t have gotten in the door in the first place. Those are the screwballs that don’t need performance improvement. They need to be kicked to the curb ASAP. No sense keeping deadwood or whiners. It only drags everyone else down.
That being said, the vast majority of your employees want to do a good job. But that’s not all. I’d be willing to bet that your managers, directors and vice presidents want to do better than good. They want to excel.
They only thing they are missing is honest communication and the right tools to help them be their best. Problem is… they can’t do their best if you (The Boss) are dragging your feet around a performance problem, afraid to give them meaningful and effective feedback or reluctant to offer them the special expertise and tools they need because you’re afraid of hurting their feelings.
You are their boss. If they can’t count on you to be their champion, then who can they count on?
Make no mistake. Being the boss isn’t always easy. You need to have the courage to speak candidly about tough things. You must open your eyes to see their greatness before it sprouts. You must provide the necessary tools to help them grow into that greatness. But, most of all, you must BELIEVE and invest in their ability to grow, change and evolve.
Don’t be a weeny. You’ve got the title now BE THE BOSS.
What performance improvements have you been postponing?
Collateral Damage Checklist: Where are YOU?
Here are a few examples of common Type A top performer behaviors which create collateral damage. The more often these behaviors occur and the more pronounced they are, the greater the likelihood you are creating or will create collateral damage.
Are you headed for a collateral damage train wreck? Take a look and see.
No one is going to see this but you, so BE HONEST with yourself.
Including time I work at home, I tend to work more than 40 hours per week.
I get impatient quickly.
I have more to do than can be reasonably accomplished by one person.
I have a tendency to set unrealistic expectations for myself and others.
I am frequently in a rush.
I often feel stressed.
I strive to get things done as perfectly as possible.
I prefer to do things by myself.
I don’t like to ask for help.
I prefer to avoid conflict if at all possible.
I find it very irritating when other people make mistakes.
I keep my opinion to myself if I think it will cause problems.
It doesn’t take much to make me angry.
If someone is critical of my work, I get defensive.
I have difficulty admitting my flaws or mistakes.
When there’s a problem, I look for the person who caused it.
I want to make sure I am needed.
I hate to lose.
I find arguing to be an enjoyable sport.
There are some people I treat better than other people.
When things become stressful, I withdraw.
I can’t stand it if I think someone or something is wasting my time.
If things are moving too slowly, I jump in and make things happen.
I often find myself in immersed in office politics.
I can talk people into doing just about anything.
I love the thrill of taking a big risk.
If necessary, I don’t think twice about cutting corners or bending the rules if it’s going to accomplish whatever is desired.
When I feel slighted or disrespected, I like to get even.
It’s important to me to standout at work.
My goals are often more important than other people’s goals.
How did you do? Did you check one or more behaviors?
If so, there is a strong possibility you may be creating internal collateral damage and/or external collateral damage.
Recommendation: Take corrective action to avoid the train wreck.
Collateral Damage 9-1-1: The Solution
In my last blog post, I showed you why traditional fixes like performance counseling, 360 assessments, training sessions and performance coaching are seldom effective in permanently fixing top performer collateral damage. Today, we’re going to look at what does work.
Here’s a snapshot of the process I use with Type A top performers who want to achieve big results without creating collateral damage.
Step 1: Identify your unconscious mindsets that are responsible for your success, as well as, your collateral damage.
By working backwards from your success and your collateral damage, you can identify the mindsets in which both originate and are deeply rooted.
Step 2: Pinpoint the invisible wrinkles in your mental filters that are causing the collateral damage.
Think about this like identifying the hidden potholes in your race track. If you hit a pothole at a high rate of speed, you can careen out of control, crash and burn. If you see the pothole ahead of time, you simply drive around it, hence avoiding the collateral damage.
Step 3: Teach you to think about how you think. This advanced skill is called meta-cognition. The vast majority of our thought processes tend to be automatic. By learning meta-cognition, you no longer operate on auto-pilot. You take the power and controls back so you make the best decisions for each unique situation rather than relying upon your brain’s habitual reactions.
Step 4: Coach you to restructure your thinking to skillfully prune out the collateral damage while simultaneously improving your problem-solving skills, analytical thinking and executive presence.
Collateral damage saps success. By cutting away the collateral damage while also learning to strategically think about how you are thinking, you create a 1+1=3. You achieve even greater levels of success with much less effort.
Stopping collateral damage- once and for all – doesn’t have to be a long and hard process. You just have to go about it the right way.
But, before you can fix collateral damage, you’ve got to see it. As long as collateral damage goes undetected, you are blissfully headed to a date with infamy.
Stay tuned for a checklist to help you identify if you are at risk for creating collateral damage.
Collateral Damage 9-1-1: Why Traditional Fixes Fail
It started out like so many other Collateral Damage 9-1-1 calls.
“I need your help.” A weary voice sighed. “I’ve got an employee who is causing holy hell in our company. I don’t want to fire her because she’s tops in our industry. It would really hurt us to lose her, but I’m fast running out of options. I’m at my wit’s end.”
The phone went silent and I could feel the person wrestling with exhaustion and frustration.
“I’ve tried everything I can think of to fix this problem. I’ve talked to her until I’m blue in the face. I’ve reprimanded her. I’ve threatened her with disciplinary action. She’s attended every training class we offer and has done all kind of assessments. Nothing seems to stick.
She’ll do better for awhile and I’ll think we’ve got the problem licked and then – WHAMMO! She goes on a rampage like Rambo.
If I have to fire her, I will, but I’m hoping you may be able to help. You’re our last hope.”
Here was yet another situation where top performer collateral damage had escalated from irritation to emergency all because everyone was looking in the wrong places for answers.
Traditional fixes like performance counseling, 360 assessments, training sessions and coaching are valuable tools for run-of-the-mill performance enhancement, but when it comes to effectively and permanently stopping top performer collateral damage they miss the mark.
Here’s why.
Traditional tools focus on the tip of the iceberg.
Think about it. Traditional tools typically do three basic things:
1) Quantify the individual’s performance.
2) Set goals for improvement.
3) Encourage the individual to change their behavior to achieve the desired goals.
So…why doesn’t this work to permanently stop top performer collateral damage?
Here’s the deal.
If you’ve ever tried to permanently lose weight, stick to an exercise plan or quit smoking, you know that success requires much more than simply changing your behavior. For the first couple of weeks, it’s easy to say no to a few cookies or take the stairs instead of the elevator. However, when things get really stressful, those old behavior patterns call to you like comforting lovers.
“A couple of cookies won’t hurt me.”
“I’m so tired. I’m going to skip my run today. I’ll do an extra ten minutes tomorrow.”
“Who the hell has time to listen to your long-winded explanations!?”
Oops. Before you know it, in spite of your good intentions, you’re right back where you started.
To sustain your new behaviors over the long haul, you have to reconfigure the way you think.
It’s the same thing with top performer collateral damage. To stop top performer collateral damage, the top performer must change the way she thinks.
Let me share a secret with you. Collateral damage comes from the 90% of the iceberg you don’t see – your unconscious mindsets.
To permanently stop collateral damage, you have to look below the surface and recalibrate your internal operating system.
But here’s the kicker.
Your success and your collateral damage grow from the same invisible root like tangled vines.
Your million dollar challenge? Nip the collateral damage without killing the success.
I can hear you now…
“Holy Toledo! How in the world do you do that?”
Don’t sweat it.
With the right help, it’s actually easier and quicker than you would imagine… especially if you don’t wait until Rambo is on a rampage.
In my next blog post, I’ll show you what does fix top performer collateral damage.
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It’s time to wake up and smell the truth. Like gas guzzling relics, traditional Type A’s are becoming passé. In the good ole’ days, with their steely-eyed focus and turbo-charged tactics, Type A’s could dominate the game by slicing, dicing and sacrificing. That pricey party is over. Award-winning executive coach Kay Cannon offers a funny insider’s look into the secret world of top performing Type A individuals and redefines how these talented and smart superstars can get great results without collateral damage.