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Untangle the Triangle
Backstabbing. Blindsided. Back channeling.
What do all of these nasty situations have in common? Triangular communication.
Triangles create drama, destroy trust and sabotage relationships.
Let me prove it to you.
Your sixteen-year old asks you if she can spend Saturday with her friends. You tell her no and remind her that the two of you had previously agreed she would help you clean out the garage on Saturday. Upset at your answer, your teenager now goes to your unsuspecting spouse and asks if she can spend Saturday with her friends. Not aware of your deal to clean out the garage and your ‘no’ answer, your spouse says ‘yes’.
Saturday morning all hell breaks loose when you discover your teenager is planning to spend the day with her friends. You’re ticked off. Your spouse is ticked off. Your teenager is sulking in her room.
Your teenager created triangular communication between you, your spouse and your teenager.
Draw the triangle: Your Teenager – Your Spouse – You
Here’s how Type A triangles show up at work and create super toxic collateral damage. These are real examples from the Type A trenches.
“My boss keeps going around me to my direct reports and clients. I’m clueless about what he’s doing or saying to them so I end up with egg on my face and looking stupid. I’ve asked him to please keep me in the communication loop but he refuses. He says it’s his right as my boss to go around me. I don’t care that he is communicating with them. I don’t have anything to hide. I just want to know what’s going on so I don’t waste people’s time or look stupid. Even my direct reports are uncomfortable with this situation.”
Draw the triangle: Boss – Direct Reports (or clients) – Speaker
“I’m so frustrated. Rather than coming to me with his questions about my department, the CFO goes directly to the CEO. Then the CEO calls me into her office and confronts me. Things get blown out of proportion. All the drama could be avoided if the CFO would just come directly to me with his questions. It would be a lot more efficient, too.”
Draw the triangle: CFO – CEO – Speaker
“I told our attorney he didn’t need to attend the Board meeting because our policies and procedures restrict this meeting to Board members only. He didn’t like my answer so he asked the Board president if he could attend. He didn’t tell the president he had already asked me and I had said no or that our policies and procedures prohibit non-members from attending this meeting. The president didn’t realize what the policies were so she said ‘yes’. When I found out the attorney had gone around me to the president, we had a mess to clean up. It caused all kinds of unnecessary drama.”
Draw the triangle: Attorney – President – Speaker
Now, listen to this very carefully: When you’re caught in the crazy drama, it’s hard to see the triangle through the frustration and fog.
Where there’s drama, there is usually a triangle. Sniff it out and stomp on it.
Untangle the triangle. Kill the drama. Boost the trust.
Want to know more about diagnosing, solving and preventing Type A triangles?
Subscribe to my complementary newsletter, Lightning Bytes. I’m going to do a feature on Type A triangles in the coming weeks. Don’t miss out! Sign up today.
Eyeball the Rules
Stuck in a squabble? Hog tied by feuding frustration? Languishing at loggerheads?
Few things throw a kink in your kabobs quicker than a never-ending, teeth grinding tussle between two Type A warriors.
Bring the bloody battle to a truce. Drill below the dueling to reveal the real bone of contention.
One of the most common buried bones of Type A contention is rules. When it comes to rules, Type A’s usually fall into two camps – the Ramrod or the Rabble-rouser.
The Ramrod enforces rules. The Rabble-rouser challenges rules. The Ramrod finds rules comforting. The Rabble-rouser finds rules confining. The Ramrod loves consistency and predictability. The Rabble-rouser loves customizing and tweaking.
Eyeball the rules. Find the bone. Bury the hatchet.
Whip the Weasel
Back channeling. Double talk. Political puffery. Bouncing decisions.
Must be springtime. The weasels are out in full force.
Last week several Type A straight shooting, get-it-done clients were at their wits’ end with the exact same problem. A passive aggressive co-worker – the weasel of the workplace – was playing and winning a shell game of slimy shenanigans.
Why was the weasel winning?
Simple. All of my clients made the exact same mistake.
They were seduced into believing the weasel’s game was all about business. Like most Type A top guns, they kept their eye squarely on the business ball.
Deadly mistake when you’re dealing with a sneaky predator.
Listen carefully.
Weasels play for personal power and control. Business is just the backdrop for the weasel’s game.
The weasel lulls you into believing it’s all about business and then he sinks his teeth in the back of your neck. Keep your eye on the business ball and you’re a sitting duck.
Want to whip the weasel? Follow these three steps.
1. Look the weasel in the eye.
2. Ask “What’s this really about?”
3. Repeat “What’s this really about?” until you get a straight answer or the weasel slinks off looking for weaker prey.
Ask the question. Whip the weasel. Get back to business.
What have you done to whip the weasel?
Stop the Witchy Kitties at Work
Catty people are workplace terrorists inflicting horrific collateral damage. They depend upon surprise attacks to gain control and power over other people.
Here’s what you can do to stop the witchy kitties.
The list looks long but read to the end. You need all of these steps in your tool box to deal with these sneaky critters.
1. Expect the surprise the attack. You know it’s coming. You just don’t know when.
2. When they attack, don’t take the bait or play their game. If you don’t react with surprise, hurt, anger or retaliation, there is no fuel for the fight. They loose their edge.
3. Identify their pay-off. What is the person trying to gain by being catty? More than likely the pay-off is related to increasing their self-esteem, control or power.
4. Don’t reward the catty behavior. With no pay-off, the person doesn’t gain anything by the behavior and, over time, the behavior will disappear.
5. Be respectful, open and direct. Talk your truth. Counter the attack with a simple and respectful statement that puts a spotlight on the offending behavior. “When you said you liked my presentation, your tone of voice sounded condescending. What did you really want to say?”
6. Don’t be distracted by their denial. Be prepared for the other person to deny that anything is wrong. It’s a strategic ploy to avoid accountability for their actions. If they own their catty behavior, they must also own responsibility for the impact of that behavior. Don’t be fooled by their feigned innocence.
7. State clearly and specifically what you expect from the catty person. “I want you to be a respected and trusted team member. When you gossip about your co-workers, it destroys your credibility with your colleagues and leads to distrust and disrespect. Gossip will not be tolerated. I expect you to stop it now.”
8. Ask a powerful, forward focused question that shifts personal accountability for the change to the other person. “What do you need to do differently so that the gossip stops?”
9. Don’t put up with or overlook even the slightest hint of catty behavior. Be calm and consistent.
10. Send this to everyone you know so they don’t become victims of these workplace terrorists.
One last thought. If your boss is the catty person, grab your backside and RUN to another job. I’ve seen too many top notch people turned into skittish zombies because they worked for a catty boss.
Are You Working with a Witchy Kitty?
Catty behavior is like cancer. It creates extreme collateral damage.
Unfortunately, some Type A top performers are witchy kitties.
Cattiness is mean-spirited nastiness intentionally meant to hurt or harm someone else. It destroys employee morale, productivity and engagement.
Put up with catty behavior and you’re throwing money, time and energy down the drain.
Catty people are workplace terrorists.
Do you recognize these witchy kitty behaviors?
• Telling lies and spreading rumors behind someone’s back
• Stomping off and sulking
• Snubbing someone
• Using ‘nice’ words with a ‘nasty’ tone of voice
• Clamming up and refusing to talk when upset
• Planting damaging information or insinuations about someone
• Taking revenge by sabotaging someone’s work
• Destroying property
• Shunning or ostracizing a specific person
• Refusing to include someone in a group activity like going to lunch
• Refusing to make eye contact
• Pretending the other person doesn’t exist
• Making faces or derogatory gestures to others about a specific person
What’s the big secret that catty people don’t want you to know?
These witchy kitties are really scaredy-cats. Their behavior is driven by a fear of being powerless and inferior.
Catty people are afraid to confront you in a respectful, open and direct manner. Instead, they launch roundabout attacks designed to throw you off balance and shift the power and control to them.
And, because they are masters at justifying, denying and hiding, it can be tough to corral witchy kitties. It’s even harder to put a stop to the nastiness if it’s coming from one of your super smart, Type A top performers. (FYI. If it’s coming from your boss, grab your backside and run to a better job.)
Stay tuned…. How to stop a catfight before the witchy kitties destroy your team.
Squelching Moaning Minnies and Bellyaching Bufords: Part 2
During the 25 years I’ve been improving organizational and individual effectiveness, I’ve not encountered a nastier demon than complaining and blaming. It destroys morale, frustrates leaders and hurts productivity.
In Part 1, I identified 3 Type A traps to avoid when dealing with a workplace whiner.
Today, I’m sharing 3 tactics you can use to stop the kvetching for good.
3 Tactics to Silence the Moaning Minnies and Bellyaching Bufords
When complaining is deeply ingrained, it becomes a habit. Help break the habit by using these 3 steps.
1. Listen beneath the complaint. Shut off the internal chatter in your head and really listen to what the person is saying and, more importantly, not saying. Identify the underlying emotion that is driving the person’s complaint. Is it anger? Fear? Confusion? Knowing what emotion is fueling the complaint provides you with an important clue to the person’s mindset.
2. Ask the complainer for his solutions. What actions – other than complaining –can he take to change the situation for the better? Get him to identify at least 3 possible solutions. If he persists in insisting there is nothing he can do to help resolve the situation, offer one suggestion on how he can play a role in solving the problem. Then ask him to identify 2 other actions he could take to resolve the situation.
3. Hold the person accountable for being a part of the solution. This builds ownership and reinforces his ability to solve problems instead of complaining about problems.
Final word of caution. You must be consistent in how you deal with Moaning Minnies and Bellyaching Bufords.
Don’t overlook the small complaints. Use these tactics every single time you hear the person complaining. Eventually, the person’s going to realize you will hold him accountable for being a part of the solution instead of perpetuating the problem. When that happens, he’s either going to solve the problem on his own or find some other poor soul who’ll listen to his moaning.
P.S. Wicked Suggestion: Send this to all of your friends so they aren’t the poor souls who end up hijacked by the Moaning Minnies and Bellyaching Bufords.
Squelching Moaning Minnies and Bellyaching Bufords: Part 1
Newsflash! Type A’s can’t stand Moaning Minnies or Bellyaching Bufords.
When dealing with a co-worker who is a chronic complainer or blamer, don’t fall into these common Type A traps.
1) Debating or arguing the merits of the complaint. It’s natural to want to argue with the complainer if we disagree with them. A complainer feeds on opposition because it energizes his complaint. Sidestep the debate and stay focused on the solution.
2) Fixing the problem for the complainer just to shut them up. When you’re pressed for time, it can feel easier to just resolve the situation so you can get on with more important things. This is letting the complainer put the monkey on your back. All the responsibility for the situation now rests with you. Keep doing this and you’ll end up dragging around a mountain of problems.
3) Ignoring the person and the problem because you don’t have the time to deal with the situation. Don’t kid yourself. Ignoring a complainer is like ignoring a spark in a powder keg. While you’re busy doing something more important, all bejeezers will blow up in your face.
Fall into these Type A traps and you’ll bite yourself in the butt.
In Part 2, I’ll give you some tactics to silence the Moaning Minnies and Bellyaching Bufords.
Type A’s You Can’t Trust
“I just can’t trust her (or him).”
One of the most common problems I help clients solve is how to work with The Type A You Can’t Trust. The culprit might be the conniving chairwoman, the slick salesperson or the backstabbing boss. Usually, these “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” Type A’s are found in positions of influence and power. They show their ‘good’ face in public and bring out the snarling monster in private.
Here’s the secret to dealing with The Type A You Can’t Trust.
Their game is using inconsistent, destructive behavior to keep you off balance. Don’t get sucked into their game. Expect them to be CONSISTENTLY inconsistent. Plan for their shenanigans. When you react in a way they don’t expect, THEY will be thrown off balance. The power shifts to you.
Why You Should Love Pain-in-the-Butt Employees
I get the question all the time… “How can I deal with an employee who is a real pain in the a—-? She’s driving me crazy!”
When I ask why the employee hasn’t been given her walking papers, the boss usually spits out, “Because she’s one of our best producers. She’s too valuable to fire but she makes my life hell and stirs up everybody else!”
I love these kinds of employees and you should, too. Here’s why.
They’ve still got a fire burning in their gut. It’s just a misdirected fire. As a leader it’s a lot easier to re-direct a fire than it is to rekindle cold embers.
I’d much rather have a passionate, pain-in-the-butt employee than one who is a business-as-usual employee or – even worse – an employee that has quit but still comes to work collecting a paycheck.
Re-direct the passion and you’re going to transform the pain-in-the-butt into an outstanding contributor. I’ve done it myself and I’ve seen it done by other leaders countless times.
But here’s the deal. You can’t just keep doing your same old leadership tricks and hoping for a different outcome. You’ve got to drop your attitude and dig beneath your own frustration to discover what is motivating the employee to be difficult. You need to become Sherlock Holmes.
Here are some questions to help your investigation:
1. Is the employee angry about some perceived injustice? (Hint: Bosses tend to expect more out of high performers than they do other employees.)
2. Is the employee bored? (Hint: High performers often feed on change and challenge and love to collect the next trophy.)
3. Is the employee wanting more power and influence in the workplace? (Hint: Money only goes so far in rewarding a high performer. Respect, responsibility and authority – even if it’s coming from the gossip club – often fill the gap between money and meaning.)
4. Is the employee frustrated about some aspect of their job? (Hint: High performers frequently don’t like rules that seem ridiculous or decisions that don’t contribute to results – like time wasting staff meetings or ill-informed strategies.)
5. What have I done to contribute to this problem? (Hint: High performers want to be heard and valued by the folks in charge. If they only get your attention by causing problems, then that’s what they are going to do.)
One last thing. Ditch the hero routine. Don’t try to save a bad apple. It’ll ruin your whole team.
Let’s face it. Occasionally even the best leaders hire a dud or inherit a crazy person. I know because I’ve been in both situations. If your pain-in-the-butt employee is acting unstable or is a real threat to other people or your business, consult with your HR department pronto to determine the safest and quickest way to deal with them. Don’t tackle this challenge by yourself.
But… if you have a pain-in-the-butt, high performing employee, get busy! You’ve got a diamond waiting to be polished. Want to solve the high performance puzzle quicker? Call me. 859-266-2436.
You Can’t Coach Effort.
Last night the University of Kentucky women’s basketball team beat perennial powerhouse, Tennesse. For Kentucky it was only the seventh win ever over the Lady Vols.
After the game, Pat Summitt, Tennessee’s coach and all-time winningest Division 1 basketball coach was quoted in the Lexington Herald-Leader.
“In 35 years coaching, this probably has been the least energy of any team I’ve coached,” Summitt said. “I’m not good at coaching effort. It was a total lack of passion. I don’t know that you can teach that to a player.”
Coach Summitt hit the nail on the head. You can coach, teach, inspire, motivate, strategize, challenge and bend over backwards but it’s all wasted energy if your team – whether it’s in sports or business – doesn’t put forth effort… if they don’t have a fire burning in their belly.
Same holds true at work. If you’ve got an employee that simply doesn’t seem to care about anything or doesn’t seem to want to put forth effort, why keep them? Especially in today’s deep pool of top notch talent looking for a job.
There’s never been a better time to get rid of the deadwood.
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It’s time to wake up and smell the truth. Like gas guzzling relics, traditional Type A’s are becoming passé. In the good ole’ days, with their steely-eyed focus and turbo-charged tactics, Type A’s could dominate the game by slicing, dicing and sacrificing. That pricey party is over. Award-winning executive coach Kay Cannon offers a funny insider’s look into the secret world of top performing Type A individuals and redefines how these talented and smart superstars can get great results without collateral damage.