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Two Heads Are Not Better
“I can’t believe this. My direct reports scored me really high. My supervisors scored me low. This is confusing. I don’t understand.”
I run into various flavors of this two-headed Type A monster all the time when debriefing the results of the Tilt360 Leadership Predictor. Sometimes the direct reports score the person low while the supervisors score the person high. Other times, I see just the opposite.
Either way, it’s not good. The last thing you want is to be perceived as a two headed, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde leader.
So what causes this bizarre difference in perceptions? It usually stems from one of three things.
1. One group is looking at you and your actions through rose colored glasses and scoring you artificially high. Think of this like a favored son, favored daughter or beloved leader. No matter what you do, it’s perceived as good. This dynamic is more likely to occur when you and the person scoring you share a common bond such as the same viewpoint, leadership style or personality type. The danger in this type of situation is that overlooked gaps in your performance can cause train wrecks.
2. One group has much higher expectations for you than you realize. It’s difficult to jump over the bar if you can’t see it. Sadly, some supervisors will intentionally hide their expectations to ‘test’ you. Very bad practice, but not uncommon. The danger here is that poor communication wastes resources, hampers productivity and destroys trust.
3. You are behaving differently with each group. In my experience, this is the most common reason for widely differing perceptions. Sometimes you may be consciously showing up differently, such as when you knowingly play up to your boss to curry favor or when you band together with your direct reports to wage war against upper management. Other times, you are unconsciously showing up differently with each group. For example, maybe you are relaxed and upbeat with your direct reports while feeling on guard, defensive or uptight with your supervisors.
When you suffer from the two headed leader syndrome, it causes confusion, diminishes your credibility and prevents you from being fully effective with everyone you work with.
If this is happening to you, drill down and get to the root cause.
Not sure if this is happening to you? The quickest way to find out is to do a Tilt360 Leadership Predictor. Email me at kay@kaycannon.com and I’ll tell you all about it.
When it comes to your leadership character, two heads are not better than one.
No More Pouty Lip Tantrums
OK, I’ve just got to rant…
If you’re a Type A tog dog who’s leaving a trail of splintered relationships behind you, please don’t kvetch and cry foul if your colleagues don’t bend over backwards to help you improve your relationship with them. I don’t want to hear anymore of these pouty lip,foot stomping tantrums, “But she’s not treating me right! Doesn’t it take two people to make a relationship work?!”
Here’s the skinny, Sherlock. You need to buck up and weather the storm that you created.
You’ve taught them to expect a dog-eat-dog brouhaha when dealing with you. Of course, they’re going to lead with their sharpest Ginsu knife when talking to you. You’ve been doing that to them for years. Why would they change now?
Here’s another thing. When you start to play nice, you’d better also believe that they’re going to distrust you and second guess everything you say and do for a month of Sundays. And if they see a chance to spotlight your slip ups, expect to be lit up like a Vegas strip joint on a Saturday night.
It’s going to take time to clean up the train wreck. Meanwhile, don’t look for excuses to return to your old ways. That’s just going to make your life tougher in the long run.
Buck up. Get it done. Stop pointing fingers and pouting.
Gagging Down Oreo Cookies
“I use the oreo cookie method.”
The manager’s confident words raked across my eardrums like fingernails across a blackboard.
Now I understood why his direct report didn’t trust him.
This HR holy grail is needlessly destroying millions of boss-employee relationships.
Are you using the oreo cookie method to deliver employee criticism? Take a look at these 3 steps and see.
1. Say something nice to your employee. “Ralph, you are one of our most valued employees…”
2. Insert your criticism. “but you need to increase your productivity by 45 widgets a day over the next week or I’ll have to cut your pay.”
3. Slap on some hope and confidence and send them on their way. “I know you’re capable of producing 175 widgets each day and I’m confident you’ll do it.”
You can almost see the manager leaning back in his chair surrounded by a halo of self-satisfaction and checking that performance conversation off his To Do List. “Got that done!”
Gag me.
Don’t swallow the oreo cookie crap. You’re Type A employees don’t.
Here’s the deal.
The oreo cookie method is the manager’s version of ‘wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.” You could also think of it as… “Kiss. Slap. Kiss”.
If you are on the receiving end of that combo, what are you going to remember? You got it…the slap. What’s going to happen the next time your boss tries to kiss you? You’re going to duck and run.
Watch one episode of Super Nanny and you’ll see the danger of sending such mixed messages. If you need to have a performance improvement conversation, start with the area that needs to be improved. Don’t put lipstick on a pig.
The oreo cookie method conditions your employees to distrust your compliments and your expressions of confidence and hope. Pretty soon they don’t hear your sincere compliments and expressions of appreciation and confidence. They become tone deaf because you’ve shoved too many oreo cookies down their throat.
What Most Type A Leaders Forget to Do
What are you forgetting to do in the hullabaloo of deadlines, distractions and demands that has the power to sink your ship?
You give direction.
You give feedback.
You ask for opinions.
You problem-solve.
You make big decisions.
You strategize.
What’s missing?
More than likely it’s asking for commitment.
Here’s the deal. Too often we skip right over that step and just assume because directions are clear and intentions appear good, that commitment will follow along like a good puppy. That’s dangerous.
Take the extra step and ask for the person’s commitment. Asking turns your assumption into an employee action. It’s like putting a diamond ring around employee engagement. It removes all doubt.
Barking for Trouble
“I corrected the mistake for her and told her I expected it would not happen again.”
The triumphant Type A manager leaned back in her chair and licked her lips like a satisfied lioness savoring the fresh blood after the kill.
“Did you ask for the employee’s commitment that she would not make that mistake again?” I gently poked the proud lioness.
The snarling roar lashed back at me loud and quick. “No! I told you I told her I expected it wouldn’t happen again.”
I decided to prod the beast with a bigger stick. “Did you ask the employee what – specifically – she was going to do differently in the future to prevent the mistake from occurring again?”
“Well… No. Why would I waste my time asking that question?! I told her I expected it wouldn’t happen again! She knows I was angry.” The queen of the jungle barked at my question with impatient irritation.
I needed to get her attention. Time to tap her on the head with a telephone pole.
“What have you done – specifically – to help this employee identify what went wrong, learn from the mistake and craft a more effective approach in the future so both of you are sure the mistake won’t happen again?”
The snarling face melted into silent puzzlement.
The big cat finally spoke in a tiny, sheepish voice. “I guess I haven’t done anything.”
Here’s the deal. When things go haywire, don’t fall into the Type A trap of barking orders. Instead, shift into neutral and ask powerful questions that uncover problems, find solutions, create accountability, align goals, engage people, empower individuals and affirm relationships.
I’ll get you jump started. Put these questions in your Type A toolbox.
What factors do you believe led to this problem?
What role do you feel you played in creating this situation?
What would you do differently in the future to prevent this situation from occurring again?
Do I have your personal commitment that you will do these things?
What can I do to help you be successful in the future?
Don’t bark. Ask.
Watch Your Words
Here’s a little secret I want to share with you.
When you feel stuck in a situation, a quick way to get unstuck and grab some traction is to do a little switcheroo with the words you’ve been using to describe the situation.
Let me show you how this works.
If you and a co-worker are locking horns every time you turn around over various ‘issues’, don’t try to resolve your ‘issues’.
The word ‘issue’ has become emotionally charged and associated with fighting. As soon as both of you hear the word ‘issue’, your brains go into ninja warrior mode. It’s harder for both of you to be open minded, creative and collaborative. Fat chance you’re going to see things in a new way if you’re still lugging around ‘issues’.
Ditch ‘issues’ and substitute a new, fresh word in its place. For example, you could use question, topic, subject, event, puzzle or a host of other ways to describe the situation. Get out your thesaurus (or go to www.thesaurus.com) and look for cool alternatives to the word ‘issue’. Trading in worn out words is like buying a new pair of shoes. It puts a little pizzazz in your step.
Here’s another example.
If ‘doing a presentation’ turns you into a quivering puddle of nerves, banish the phrase ‘doing a presentation’ from your speech AND your thoughts. Instead, plug in something like ‘engaging in a chat’ or ‘sharing a few thoughts’.
As simple as this sounds, this technique really does work.
Here’s one last example for you.
For years ‘I wanted to lose weight’ without much real success. Then – out of typical Type A frustration – I finally decided, “To hell with losing weight! I just want to be healthy and happy.” With my focus on being healthy and happy, I’ve lost 14 pounds without feeling like I’m making sacrifices or starving myself.
Who knew that all I needed to do to lose weight was lose the word ‘weight’?
Here’s the deal. Your speech, your thoughts and your emotions are all interwoven.
Remember when Mom told you to watch what you say? Well, as it turns out, she was on to something!
What words are holding your brain hostage?
Tweak a few words. Make a quantum leap.
Don’t Take the Bait
There it is. Dangling in front of your nose like a scrumptious morsel of self-indulgence. Taunting you with its seductive aroma.
Revenge.
Righteous indignation.
Blistering anger.
Backstabbing retaliation.
Intimidation.
Sarcasm.
Criticism.
Arrogance.
Cold indifference.
Passive aggressive sabotage.
What’s your poison of choice when someone pushes your hot buttons?
Make no mistake. Nothing makes a smart and talented Type A superstar look like a donkey’s backside quicker than swallowing the bait, hook, line and sinker like a clueless schmuck.
Here’s a secret.
Some very crafty Type A’s know how to push your buttons on purpose. Yep. The sneaky devils intentionally attempt to sabotage you by plucking your feathers. They’ve figured out that if they can get you all steamed, frazzled and parading your patootie, they’ve got the upper hand. They’ve got power over you.
Lose your Type A cool and you’ve lost the Type A game.
Make no mistake. When someone pushes your hot buttons, you’ve got a choice in how you respond. You can go to the dark side or you can stay calm, cool and collected.
Who’s pushing your buttons like cotton candy at the county fair?
Wake up and smell the bait.
Untangle the Triangle
Backstabbing. Blindsided. Back channeling.
What do all of these nasty situations have in common? Triangular communication.
Triangles create drama, destroy trust and sabotage relationships.
Let me prove it to you.
Your sixteen-year old asks you if she can spend Saturday with her friends. You tell her no and remind her that the two of you had previously agreed she would help you clean out the garage on Saturday. Upset at your answer, your teenager now goes to your unsuspecting spouse and asks if she can spend Saturday with her friends. Not aware of your deal to clean out the garage and your ‘no’ answer, your spouse says ‘yes’.
Saturday morning all hell breaks loose when you discover your teenager is planning to spend the day with her friends. You’re ticked off. Your spouse is ticked off. Your teenager is sulking in her room.
Your teenager created triangular communication between you, your spouse and your teenager.
Draw the triangle: Your Teenager – Your Spouse – You
Here’s how Type A triangles show up at work and create super toxic collateral damage. These are real examples from the Type A trenches.
“My boss keeps going around me to my direct reports and clients. I’m clueless about what he’s doing or saying to them so I end up with egg on my face and looking stupid. I’ve asked him to please keep me in the communication loop but he refuses. He says it’s his right as my boss to go around me. I don’t care that he is communicating with them. I don’t have anything to hide. I just want to know what’s going on so I don’t waste people’s time or look stupid. Even my direct reports are uncomfortable with this situation.”
Draw the triangle: Boss – Direct Reports (or clients) – Speaker
“I’m so frustrated. Rather than coming to me with his questions about my department, the CFO goes directly to the CEO. Then the CEO calls me into her office and confronts me. Things get blown out of proportion. All the drama could be avoided if the CFO would just come directly to me with his questions. It would be a lot more efficient, too.”
Draw the triangle: CFO – CEO – Speaker
“I told our attorney he didn’t need to attend the Board meeting because our policies and procedures restrict this meeting to Board members only. He didn’t like my answer so he asked the Board president if he could attend. He didn’t tell the president he had already asked me and I had said no or that our policies and procedures prohibit non-members from attending this meeting. The president didn’t realize what the policies were so she said ‘yes’. When I found out the attorney had gone around me to the president, we had a mess to clean up. It caused all kinds of unnecessary drama.”
Draw the triangle: Attorney – President – Speaker
Now, listen to this very carefully: When you’re caught in the crazy drama, it’s hard to see the triangle through the frustration and fog.
Where there’s drama, there is usually a triangle. Sniff it out and stomp on it.
Untangle the triangle. Kill the drama. Boost the trust.
Want to know more about diagnosing, solving and preventing Type A triangles?
Subscribe to my complementary newsletter, Lightning Bytes. I’m going to do a feature on Type A triangles in the coming weeks. Don’t miss out! Sign up today.
When Perfect Goes Bad
Type A’s are notorious for setting a high bar and then pushing themselves and everyone else over the edge. This is especially true for Type A’s who have been bitten by the perfect bug.
Have you been bitten by the perfect bug? Check out these 10 signs and symptoms.
1. You believe it’s important to strive for perfection.
2. You set unrealistic expectations for yourself and everyone else.
3. You let small mistakes or glitches overshadow big accomplishments or wins.
4. You see the problems before you see the positives.
5. You are rarely satisfied.
6. You are quick to criticize.
7. “It’s good enough” makes you cringe.
8. You invest a lot of time tweaking projects for tiny bits of improvement.
9. You would rather not do anything than do it halfway.
10. You put a lot of pressure on yourself to be your best.
Here’s the brutal truth. Perfect is impossible.
Lighten up. Loosen up. Liven up.
“I Just Want To Do My Job.”
“I just want to do my job.”
Hang around with hard working, high achieving Type A’s long enough and you’re bound to hear that. Heck. You may even be the one saying it!
On the surface the sentence is deceptively benign and easy to ignore.
“Duh. Of course, you want to do your job.”
But dig below the surface and you discover it’s a polite Type A code phrase for “Back off, Buster!”
Just like a dog snarls or a viper rattles, Type A’s give off warning signs before they attack.
“I just want to do my job.” is one of the most common Type A warning signs.
Type A Translation: “I just want to do my job.”
1. “Don’t ask me to do someone else’s work!”
2. “Quit wasting my time!”
3. “Cut the crap!”
4. “Don’t get in my way!”
5. “This is NOT in my job description!”
Ignore the warning. Expect to be bitten.
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It’s time to wake up and smell the truth. Like gas guzzling relics, traditional Type A’s are becoming passé. In the good ole’ days, with their steely-eyed focus and turbo-charged tactics, Type A’s could dominate the game by slicing, dicing and sacrificing. That pricey party is over. Award-winning executive coach Kay Cannon offers a funny insider’s look into the secret world of top performing Type A individuals and redefines how these talented and smart superstars can get great results without collateral damage.