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When Perfect Goes Bad
Type A’s are notorious for setting a high bar and then pushing themselves and everyone else over the edge. This is especially true for Type A’s who have been bitten by the perfect bug.
Have you been bitten by the perfect bug? Check out these 10 signs and symptoms.
1. You believe it’s important to strive for perfection.
2. You set unrealistic expectations for yourself and everyone else.
3. You let small mistakes or glitches overshadow big accomplishments or wins.
4. You see the problems before you see the positives.
5. You are rarely satisfied.
6. You are quick to criticize.
7. “It’s good enough” makes you cringe.
8. You invest a lot of time tweaking projects for tiny bits of improvement.
9. You would rather not do anything than do it halfway.
10. You put a lot of pressure on yourself to be your best.
Here’s the brutal truth. Perfect is impossible.
Lighten up. Loosen up. Liven up.
Responsibility – Authority = Train Wreck
A reader writes:
“The train wreck analogy is an accurate description of my reality. As a supervisor, I am squarely in the midst of \”do more with less.\” Any suggestions on dealing with situations for which you are responsible but feel you have little authority to change?”
I have to rant. One the stupidest things a manager can do is hold someone responsible without giving that person the authority to get the job done… especially if the employee happens to be a highly driven, conscientious Type A individual who wants to be successful. Responsibility without authority destroys motivation, creates unhappy employees and makes accountability a joke. IT’S STUPID!!!! If you’re doing it, wake up and stop it.
OK, I feel better.
Want to see the seven game changing suggestions I gave this reader? Check out next Tuesday’s Lightning Bytes newsletter. Not a subscriber? You’re missing out, kiddo. Click here to get my Lightning Bytes delivered to your inbox.
Decide to be Satisfied
Jacquie Smith and her business partner, Debbie Dyer
“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours.”
Ayn Rand
“I am satisfied.”
The words floated up like contented butterflies to her daughter’s anxious face. They were the last words she spoke to her daughter.
Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, the best-selling author of Kitchen Table Wisdom, shared her mother’s story with the audience. Given only a 40% chance of surviving surgery, her mother had chosen to have the dangerous surgery rather than shrink wrap her life to fit within the dissatisfying prison of her diseased heart. Her mother died during surgery. The courageous woman died satisfied just as she had lived satisfied.
Dr. Remen explained that her mother’s satisfaction wasn’t the byproduct of longevity. Nor was it a surprise gift delivered by chance. With a daughter’s knowing smile, Dr. Remen remembered her mother’s satisfaction as an invited companion who was intentionally crafted and lovingly nourished throughout a lifetime of disappointments, obstacles and frustrations. Satisfaction was her mother’s choice – her decision in life.
Finishing her story, Dr. Remen turned to the audience and asked, “Are you truly satisfied with your life? Satisfaction – or dissatisfaction – is your decision. What do you choose?”
Dr. Remen’s question landed in my heart with a bittersweet splash. Just the day before, my dear friend, Jacquie Smith, had died without warning at the age of 49.
Jacquie was a vibrant woman known for her quick wit, cackling laughter and tenacious and generous heart. Her sudden death carved canyons of sorrow deep into the lives of many people. Yet amidst my grief and sense of emptiness, I discovered a smile creeping across my face. I knew Jacquie, the devoted mother and wife, successful business owner and beloved community leader, would answer Dr. Remen’s question with a cocky nod, “I am satisfied.”
And, like Dr. Remen’s mother, Jacquie’s satisfaction with life wasn’t delivered on a silver platter. As a young, single mother with a special needs child, Jacquie refused to accept the long odds betting against her. She found a way through the obstacles and struggles to earn her college degree. Several years later, when the dream of starting her own business was met with skepticism and the banks’ refusal to loan money to a woman, Jacquie simply took another road to satisfaction. Using grit and integrity, Jacquie and her business partner, Debbie Dyer, turned $50 into an award-winning, multi-million dollar business, Central Kentucky Research Associates.
During her journey, Jacquie never let disappointment be anything more than a temporary distraction on her path of satisfaction. When an employee didn’t meet her expectations, Jacquie stepped outside of her anger and frustration to find a better solution. When community service projects sputtered, she looked for new sparks to ignite enthusiasm. For Jacquie her satisfaction – or dissatisfaction – was simply a matter of personal choice.
There is nothing more powerful than the shock of death to bring the concept of satisfaction – or your lack of it – into razor-sharp focus. If your life ended today, could you say with complete honesty, “I am satisfied?”
Satisfaction and dissatisfaction are yours to choose. What do you choose? Are you satisfied with your life, your work and your employees? Or are you locked in frustration, battling unmet expectations and dancing with disappointment? Is your life filled with complaining or joyful determination?
Decide to be satisfied.
Unraveling Type A Guilt Gone Awry
A reader writes:
Right now I could use a blog from you about how a Type A really needs to be sick when she’s sick. I’m proud of myself for NOT going to the conference this week because I’ve been so sick, but I’m feeling so guilty about letting down the conference since I was supposed to be a speaker.
I made the choice NOT to infect all those other people and to stay home and take care of myself. Now I feel guilty about the choice (even though I know it was the right one) and that I’ve let down conference planners and attendees. I feel so guilty about not going that I’m working at home so much that I’m not resting enough to get well.
Dear Stuck at Home with a Bad Case of Guilty Flu,
Good news! You are suffering from a common Type A ailment which is easily cured – guilt gone awry. But before I give you the magic potion, a quicky course in Guilt 101 is needed.
Imagine you are in charge of a daycare. Hair is being pulled. Toys are being stolen. Eyes are being gouged. There is shrieking and bedlam in every which way. Desperate to get control over the chaos, you zero in on one of the troublemakers and let fly, “Sally, good little girls don’t behave like this! We do NOT pull hair! How would you like it if Suzy pulled your hair? Sally, you should feel bad that you hurt Suzy. Now apologize and make up!”
Shamed into submission, little Sally slinks away wrapped in a blanket of guilt. You just played the game of guilt to put the kibosh on Sally’s wicked hair pulling. Guilt is a tool used to control behaviors deemed to be undesirable. We use it on ourselves, our kids, our spouses, our co-workers and we even try to use it on our dogs. Cats not so much for reasons any cat owner can understand.
As you grow up, authority figures program you to play by the rules so you get along with others. These rules are expectations for good behavior. Your family, teachers, church and culture all chip in to program you to be their version of a good little person. In your note, I noticed you’ve been programmed to believe:
“Good girls keep their promises.”
“Good girls don’t sneeze and cough on others.”
“Good girls do their work.”
Sound familiar? We all have hundreds and hundreds of these rules programmed into us. They are so deeply ingrained in us that they become unconscious mindsets which we use to navigate through life on autopilot. It’s these unconscious mindsets that often lead to Type A collateral damage including guilt gone awry.
At an early age, when you break these rules, you are taught to feel badly – or guilty. Over time, guilt can become conditioned to be an automatic reaction. Guilt can be used to motivate or punish. You can use it on yourself or on others.
“I don’t want to feel guilty so I’ll have a carrot instead of that raspberry jelly donut.”
“You shouldn’t take a vacation day when we are so slammed at work! That was really inconsiderate.”
Guilt also assumes you have complete control over your behavior and the situation surrounding it. For instance, daycare Sally had complete control of her hair-pulling. On the other hand, you, dear reader, do not have complete control of your situation so you’re suffering from the common malady of guilt gone awry.
You only control your decisions to stay home and to overwork even when horribly sick. That you have a nasty case of the flu at the precise time of the conference is out of your control. You can’t help it that you have the flu and are physically unable to attend the conference. So, by definition, your situation doesn’t qualify for guilt.
So why are you feeling guilty and working so hard at home that you’re not recovering? Let me break this down for you by dialing back into your childhood programming. These are the coordinates that you are automatically using to navigate through this situation.
“Good girls keep their promises.”
“Good girls don’t sneeze and cough on others.”
“Good girls do their work.”
Notice, in this particular situation, it’s not possible to obey all of your old programming. If you want to be a good girl and not sneeze or cough on others, you’ll have to break a promise and not go to the conference. Uh-oh. There’s an irresolvable conflict between your old programming and your current reality. So how does your unconscious, conditioned brain resolve this dilemma?
It automatically flips the guilty switch to punish you for breaking a rule (“Good girls keep their promises.”) and, at the same time, it decides you need to make amends for being a bad girl by overdoing a rule which you can keep (“Good girls do their work.”). So now you find yourself feeling guilty about breaking a promise and working so hard at home that you can’t recover from the flu… all because you unconsciously want to be seen as a good girl again. (And then you beat yourself up for not resting. Yada Yada Yada. The guilt cycle continues and collateral damage accummulates.)
What’s the magic potion that breaks this cycle? Taking control away from your autopilot brain and telling yourself the truth. In spite of what your Type A brain might want to believe, you do not have control over the flu. The wise thing to do is prevent the spread of disease and rest so you can return to work as quickly as possible and at full speed. You haven’t been a bad girl that needs to make up for being sick by punishing yourself with guilt gone awry and excessive working while ill.
Why are Type A’s so susceptible to guilt gone awry? I’ll tackle that topic in the next blog post.
A big thanks to the reader who posed the question. I love it when you talk to me. Opinions. Arguments. Headaches. Requests. Bring ‘em on! Tell me what you think.
Lisa Dee: Power Off the Scale
“We had to dig the chickens out of three feet of snow yesterday.”
I chuckle at the surprising vision of this Type A power player shoveling snow while the chickens crow.
“I built my first company with a $5000 loan from my parents. I built it up to a $24 million dollar company.”
With Lisa Dee surprises are the name of the game. But Lisa’s story is not the typical Type A tale of big bank accounts and big egos. It’s about much more than tarnished trophies.
From Singapore to Johannesburg to New York, this Type A serial entrepreneur has called many places home. Today, Lisa is snuggled in Vista Caballo, her remote Colorado ranch.
“Vista Caballo is company number three. I ask myself, ‘How do I want to do this one differently?’ I did a pretty good number on myself with the first two.”
Surrounded by the beauty left by the recent blizzard, Lisa begins to tell me how she traded her $24 million trophy for digging out chickens, mucking stalls and unlocking other lives trapped in success.
Lisa Dee cut her entrepreneurial teeth in the highly competitive advertising industry. Along the way she and her team weathered 9/11, ran offices in New York, Dallas and San Francisco and developed a highly successful business model that was emulated by others across the industry.
There’s no doubt she’s a Type A top gun.
I ask Lisa about her own personal experience as a Type A. She pauses and I can feel her diving deep into herself – probing, weighing and considering her answer. This is not a woman who answers quickly or casually.
When the answer arrives, it is punctuated with power and passion. As she speaks, it is easy to see Lisa running that $24M company with ease.
“The first part was just acknowledging that I was a Type A. In reflection, that was the first insight I had into the fact that maybe not everyone was wired like me. I was an A+++ personality. It was such a natural way of being that I wondered to myself, ‘What other types of people are there?’”
You can hear the sincere puzzlement in her voice as she remembers first encountering the novel idea that not everyone was like her.
I hear that so often. Type A’s rarely realize they are Type A’s. They are too busy, too driven and too focused to see who they really are.
“Honestly, the results I got were so positive, I never considered the fact that I was Type A one way or another. It was just a label that didn’t have any meaning to me.”
It’s easy to overlook the Type A warning signs when your eyes are locked on the positive results. We’ve all been down that road a time or two.
“As the stakes got higher, that’s when I started really feeling there was something happening. I didn’t recognize the collateral damage. There started to be schisms, conflicts and also…” her voice trails off, “a wonderful progression. It was confusing. I brought in consultants to help me understand what was happening with my executive team.”
I’m reminded of how hard it is to see the collateral damage when you’re the one creating it. You can’t read the label if you’re inside the bottle.
“The consultants told me – in front of my entire executive team – that I worked at mach speed with my hair on fire. Now, I was very comfortable working that way. It wasn’t a problem for me. On a Friday afternoon, I’d list 17 initiatives I wanted in motion and then wonder, on Monday morning, ‘Where are the results?’. My sense of time was different. I didn’t have weekends. I loved my work. I loved multi-tasking.”
Mix Type A power and passion with a compressed sense of time and high expectations and you’re stirring the fire with a stick of dynamite. It’s just a matter of time before it goes boom.
True to her courageous Type A self, Lisa decided to go the extra step. Little did she realize the doors that would swing open.
“I decided to put myself up for anonymous review by my entire team. I got wonderful feedback like, ‘you’re amazing, incredible, we love your vision, we love your inspiration’. I also got this… ‘But what do we do now? How do we make it happen?’ I realized then that if I was going to write in the sky, I had to build ladders to get there.”
There’s silence on the phone now. Something’s cooking.
“It was a very painful experience. It was heart breaking.”
The pain creates wrinkles in Lisa’s voice as she explains.
“After I sold my companies, I discovered there was much more collateral damage than I realized. If I had known, I would have changed it! My team and my company were my heart and soul. It was excruciating to learn the extent of it. I’m dedicated to being my best. I want to hear what’s not working.”
Isn’t it interesting that we can’t hear the message until it rips the door off the hinges?
Lisa shifts back to the present with conviction.
“I will build this company differently!”
This company is Vista Caballo. It’s Lisa’s third company and a playground for passion and power.
Vista Caballo, an experiential learning center located on a ranch in Dove Creek, Colorado, is where you find your true sense of self. It is where highly accomplished Type A’s unplug, reflect, re-calibrate and re-boot. Lisa’s horses are your teachers. The gorgeous Colorado countryside is your muse and your soul is a blank canvas.
Be warned. It’s not for the faint-hearted or the partially-committed. This isn’t where you sit poolside sipping margaritas while you fiddle with your iPhone. Nope. You’re going to be working in the dirt – both literally and figuratively.
Vista Caballo unlocks your full power and passion so you courageously step into who you are really meant to be. The transformation is positive, profound and, most importantly, permanent. Just the kind of challenging adventure that Type A’s love.
I ask Lisa what advice she has for her Type A brethren. Her answer slices through my question like a Ginsu knife.
“You’ve done it! Acknowledge you’ve done it. You can keep on the linear path. Achieve more. Make bigger creations. But… at some point… you have to recognize you’ve done it.”
The last words are hammered hard.
“I strongly encourage you to take a side-step on your life’s journey. A non-linear path reveals gifts. You can always go back to the linear way of doing things, but a non-linear life will enrich and expand your comfort zone. The linear life is where Type A burnout occurs.”
She stops and I feel her heart and head weaving words together.
“Once we Type A’s can do something with ease, we ask ourselves, ‘Now what?’ When that happens it’s time for us to expand our life. When you find power and passion on a non-linear path, you learn what life is really about.”
It’s clear that this woman who traded her $24 million trophy for digging chickens out of the snow is comfortable free-falling into life.
“The non-linear path is very humbling. The linear experience prepares us for the non-linear experience. The non-linear path is where real power emerges. The linear experience is like practicing piano scales. At some point you have to get off the scales and just play.”
I think about the thousands of Type A’s who are playing a monotonous tune day-after-day as their power and passion fade away.
“Take a chance! If there’s little inkling that there might be a different way to do something, take a chance. You can always go back. You can always say, ‘oops’. I can guarantee that you’ll be richer for that try. You’re going to open a doorway in your life that you’ll never want to close. Open the door. Take one step. It’s time to get messy.”
Lisa’s lesson is clear. Once you take your Type A power off the scale, life changing possibilities appear.
A note to my Type A tribe: Lisa Dee and I are joining forces to rock your Type A world. Stay tuned for an exciting announcement.
I Didn’t Marry Your Laptop!
“Damn it! I didn’t marry your laptop and I’m sick of sleeping with it!”
A real comment from an exasperated husband of a Type A workplace warrioress
Has your sexy sizzle fizzled into a case of laptop ménage a trois?
It’s no secret Type A’s are driven to get things done. This is one of the reasons so many Type A’s rise to the top performer ranks. But let’s get real. In our 24/7 stopwatch world, this Type A core trait can also bite you in the butt.
Before you know it, you are over-committed, impatient, worn out, wound up and wondering where your love life went. This Type A drive to get things done can create a self-generated and perpetuated sense of time urgency and pressure.
Add it all up and it’s no wonder research shows Type A’s have a greater tendency towards stress and – drum roll, please – heart attacks.
And being too pooped for a late night tango with your sweetie doesn’t help your heart either.
So… how do you keep your Type A drive working for you and not against you?
First, forget all the hogwash about “finding work-life balance”. That magical spot where everything is perfectly balanced simply doesn’t exist in real life. There’s too much uncertainty in life. No one lives in a static utopia. If you keep searching for imagined work-life balance, you’ll just end up increasing your stress. I could rant about this all day. I can’t tell you how many of my superstar Type A executive clients needlessly beat themselves up because they “can’t find work-life balance”.
Try this instead. Design your life so that all the important elements are optimally integrated in a dynamic framework that lets you respond to the unexpected with your absolute best.
This gives you the flexibility, energy and bandwidth to handle life’s unexpected blips with grace and effectiveness.
Start by identifying and creating strong personal boundaries that protect your performance, your health and your happiness.
Personal boundaries keep you energized, productive and satisfied. Think of them like critical components in your own personal operating system.
Some quick examples of personal boundaries might be:
• Banning your laptop from your bed
• Limiting your caffeine and fast food intake
• Having dinner with the family
• Exercising each day
• Getting enough sleep
• Knowing when to say “no”
• Building in time for relaxation and fun
These are only examples. Everyone’s boundaries are unique.
Where could you use a little boundary building?
A Four Letter Word
Why do you think so many smart and talented Type A superstar athletes fumble their exit from the playing field?
Simple. They can’t wrap their Type A hard-driving, ambitious, competitive minds around “exiting” a game at which they have always excelled. They can’t envision anything fun and exciting for themselves beyond the next snap of the football.
There’s nothing sadder than watching a former superstar slowly sink into mediocrity simply because he or she didn’t create a great exit strategy. Mickey Rourke did a splendid job of taking us down that dark rabbit hole as Randy “The Ram” Robinson in the award -winning movie, The Wrestler.
For many top performing Type A’s the word “exit” is a four letter word subconsciously synonymous with losing or quitting. Type A’s don’t like to lose or quit so it’s tough for us to wrap our minds around intentionally exiting.
Admit it. At first blush, exiting sounds so bleak and – dare I say – terminal. Talking about developing your exit strategy feels a little like planning your own funeral – something that is pragmatic but not particularly fun and exciting.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
A well crafted exit strategy is actually the launching pad for your dreams. It keeps you manning the controls and calling the shots. It gives you the freedom and resources to launch a new business venture, pursue your “dream” career, travel around the world, join the Peace Corps or give your beloved business baby another 50, 75 or 100 years of life. All it takes is envisioning a compelling new future and working with an exit strategy architect like my good friend and financial planner, Scott Neal.
I’ve worked with many Type A top performers to create a compelling vision of their future and then turn that vision into a reality. One example is Merrill Williams. She exited a successful career in public relations on the west coast to launch her dream on the east coast, Maine Food & Lifestyle magazine.
Don’t let your default exit strategy be dying at your desk with your nose against the grindstone. Dare to think beyond your current success to envision something even better.
What’s next for you?
Buried Alive
When we keep doing the same things over and over again – or thinking the same things over and over again – we dig ourselves into a Type A rut. What’s really tragic is that we rarely notice the walls closing in on us. We are so busy, so stressed and so driven to accomplish the big goals that we can’t see what we are doing to ourselves. That’s how Type A superstars get buried alive.
As the novelist Ellen Glasgow observed, “The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions.”
What are you digging for yourself?
Digging Deep for Black Gold
A big congratulations to Mark Bronston, CEO of Legends Exploration LP located in Houston, TX. Mark, along with a team of fellow scientists, received the prestigious 2009 Prospectors and Developers Association of Canada’s Thayer Lindsley Award for the discovery of the Donlin Creek gold deposit, considered to be one of the largest umined pure gold deposits in the world.
During a recent conversation with Mark, I asked this award-winning geophysicist what are the toughest decisions he has to make as CEO. Mark replied, “The toughest decisions are the people-related issues ranging from dealing with regulatory agencies to negotiating with landowners to keeping everyone motivated, enthusiastic and collegial. It never goes away.”
In Mark’s opinion, the oil and gas exploration business attracts a certain kind of people – “Type A people on steriods” – who, at the end of the day, can handle a big failure with nothing to show for their efforts but a dry hole.
Mark offered some advice for high potential Type A’s who have their eyes on the top job.
1. Be absolutely sure you love what you are doing. Don’t let money be your driver.
2. Early in your career seek out the programs and learning opportunities that may not be the most glamorous but will help you create a strong foundation that will set you apart from your peers. Don’t shy away from the blocking and tackling positions.
3. Save yourself some heartache. When you get angry or affronted, hold your breath and count to ten. Consider that email you want to send before you send it. Act professionally regardless of how you feel.
Great advice from a modern day prospector.
Type A Trap: Big Expectations
Having a tough time being disciplined and following through with your commitments to yourself?
Big expectations may be to blame for your blase.
Turbocharged Type A’s love to get dramatic results quickly. If you’re brushing your teeth in hopes of meeting Prince Charming, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Sooner or later, you’re going to get disenchanted and toss the toothbrush out the door.
For Type As it’s tough to stay disciplined and motivated when the pay-off seems too far off, too small or too boring. The solution? Turn down the short-term expectations and keep your eyes on the longer term, bigger pay-off.
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It’s time to wake up and smell the truth. Like gas guzzling relics, traditional Type A’s are becoming passé. In the good ole’ days, with their steely-eyed focus and turbo-charged tactics, Type A’s could dominate the game by slicing, dicing and sacrificing. That pricey party is over. Award-winning executive coach Kay Cannon offers a funny insider’s look into the secret world of top performing Type A individuals and redefines how these talented and smart superstars can get great results without collateral damage.