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Two Heads Are Not Better
“I can’t believe this. My direct reports scored me really high. My supervisors scored me low. This is confusing. I don’t understand.”
I run into various flavors of this two-headed Type A monster all the time when debriefing the results of the Tilt360 Leadership Predictor. Sometimes the direct reports score the person low while the supervisors score the person high. Other times, I see just the opposite.
Either way, it’s not good. The last thing you want is to be perceived as a two headed, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde leader.
So what causes this bizarre difference in perceptions? It usually stems from one of three things.
1. One group is looking at you and your actions through rose colored glasses and scoring you artificially high. Think of this like a favored son, favored daughter or beloved leader. No matter what you do, it’s perceived as good. This dynamic is more likely to occur when you and the person scoring you share a common bond such as the same viewpoint, leadership style or personality type. The danger in this type of situation is that overlooked gaps in your performance can cause train wrecks.
2. One group has much higher expectations for you than you realize. It’s difficult to jump over the bar if you can’t see it. Sadly, some supervisors will intentionally hide their expectations to ‘test’ you. Very bad practice, but not uncommon. The danger here is that poor communication wastes resources, hampers productivity and destroys trust.
3. You are behaving differently with each group. In my experience, this is the most common reason for widely differing perceptions. Sometimes you may be consciously showing up differently, such as when you knowingly play up to your boss to curry favor or when you band together with your direct reports to wage war against upper management. Other times, you are unconsciously showing up differently with each group. For example, maybe you are relaxed and upbeat with your direct reports while feeling on guard, defensive or uptight with your supervisors.
When you suffer from the two headed leader syndrome, it causes confusion, diminishes your credibility and prevents you from being fully effective with everyone you work with.
If this is happening to you, drill down and get to the root cause.
Not sure if this is happening to you? The quickest way to find out is to do a Tilt360 Leadership Predictor. Email me at kay@kaycannon.com and I’ll tell you all about it.
When it comes to your leadership character, two heads are not better than one.
Gagging Down Oreo Cookies
“I use the oreo cookie method.”
The manager’s confident words raked across my eardrums like fingernails across a blackboard.
Now I understood why his direct report didn’t trust him.
This HR holy grail is needlessly destroying millions of boss-employee relationships.
Are you using the oreo cookie method to deliver employee criticism? Take a look at these 3 steps and see.
1. Say something nice to your employee. “Ralph, you are one of our most valued employees…”
2. Insert your criticism. “but you need to increase your productivity by 45 widgets a day over the next week or I’ll have to cut your pay.”
3. Slap on some hope and confidence and send them on their way. “I know you’re capable of producing 175 widgets each day and I’m confident you’ll do it.”
You can almost see the manager leaning back in his chair surrounded by a halo of self-satisfaction and checking that performance conversation off his To Do List. “Got that done!”
Gag me.
Don’t swallow the oreo cookie crap. You’re Type A employees don’t.
Here’s the deal.
The oreo cookie method is the manager’s version of ‘wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.” You could also think of it as… “Kiss. Slap. Kiss”.
If you are on the receiving end of that combo, what are you going to remember? You got it…the slap. What’s going to happen the next time your boss tries to kiss you? You’re going to duck and run.
Watch one episode of Super Nanny and you’ll see the danger of sending such mixed messages. If you need to have a performance improvement conversation, start with the area that needs to be improved. Don’t put lipstick on a pig.
The oreo cookie method conditions your employees to distrust your compliments and your expressions of confidence and hope. Pretty soon they don’t hear your sincere compliments and expressions of appreciation and confidence. They become tone deaf because you’ve shoved too many oreo cookies down their throat.
What Most Type A Leaders Forget to Do
What are you forgetting to do in the hullabaloo of deadlines, distractions and demands that has the power to sink your ship?
You give direction.
You give feedback.
You ask for opinions.
You problem-solve.
You make big decisions.
You strategize.
What’s missing?
More than likely it’s asking for commitment.
Here’s the deal. Too often we skip right over that step and just assume because directions are clear and intentions appear good, that commitment will follow along like a good puppy. That’s dangerous.
Take the extra step and ask for the person’s commitment. Asking turns your assumption into an employee action. It’s like putting a diamond ring around employee engagement. It removes all doubt.
Barking for Trouble
“I corrected the mistake for her and told her I expected it would not happen again.”
The triumphant Type A manager leaned back in her chair and licked her lips like a satisfied lioness savoring the fresh blood after the kill.
“Did you ask for the employee’s commitment that she would not make that mistake again?” I gently poked the proud lioness.
The snarling roar lashed back at me loud and quick. “No! I told you I told her I expected it wouldn’t happen again.”
I decided to prod the beast with a bigger stick. “Did you ask the employee what – specifically – she was going to do differently in the future to prevent the mistake from occurring again?”
“Well… No. Why would I waste my time asking that question?! I told her I expected it wouldn’t happen again! She knows I was angry.” The queen of the jungle barked at my question with impatient irritation.
I needed to get her attention. Time to tap her on the head with a telephone pole.
“What have you done – specifically – to help this employee identify what went wrong, learn from the mistake and craft a more effective approach in the future so both of you are sure the mistake won’t happen again?”
The snarling face melted into silent puzzlement.
The big cat finally spoke in a tiny, sheepish voice. “I guess I haven’t done anything.”
Here’s the deal. When things go haywire, don’t fall into the Type A trap of barking orders. Instead, shift into neutral and ask powerful questions that uncover problems, find solutions, create accountability, align goals, engage people, empower individuals and affirm relationships.
I’ll get you jump started. Put these questions in your Type A toolbox.
What factors do you believe led to this problem?
What role do you feel you played in creating this situation?
What would you do differently in the future to prevent this situation from occurring again?
Do I have your personal commitment that you will do these things?
What can I do to help you be successful in the future?
Don’t bark. Ask.
Don’t Take the Bait
There it is. Dangling in front of your nose like a scrumptious morsel of self-indulgence. Taunting you with its seductive aroma.
Revenge.
Righteous indignation.
Blistering anger.
Backstabbing retaliation.
Intimidation.
Sarcasm.
Criticism.
Arrogance.
Cold indifference.
Passive aggressive sabotage.
What’s your poison of choice when someone pushes your hot buttons?
Make no mistake. Nothing makes a smart and talented Type A superstar look like a donkey’s backside quicker than swallowing the bait, hook, line and sinker like a clueless schmuck.
Here’s a secret.
Some very crafty Type A’s know how to push your buttons on purpose. Yep. The sneaky devils intentionally attempt to sabotage you by plucking your feathers. They’ve figured out that if they can get you all steamed, frazzled and parading your patootie, they’ve got the upper hand. They’ve got power over you.
Lose your Type A cool and you’ve lost the Type A game.
Make no mistake. When someone pushes your hot buttons, you’ve got a choice in how you respond. You can go to the dark side or you can stay calm, cool and collected.
Who’s pushing your buttons like cotton candy at the county fair?
Wake up and smell the bait.
Untangle the Triangle
Backstabbing. Blindsided. Back channeling.
What do all of these nasty situations have in common? Triangular communication.
Triangles create drama, destroy trust and sabotage relationships.
Let me prove it to you.
Your sixteen-year old asks you if she can spend Saturday with her friends. You tell her no and remind her that the two of you had previously agreed she would help you clean out the garage on Saturday. Upset at your answer, your teenager now goes to your unsuspecting spouse and asks if she can spend Saturday with her friends. Not aware of your deal to clean out the garage and your ‘no’ answer, your spouse says ‘yes’.
Saturday morning all hell breaks loose when you discover your teenager is planning to spend the day with her friends. You’re ticked off. Your spouse is ticked off. Your teenager is sulking in her room.
Your teenager created triangular communication between you, your spouse and your teenager.
Draw the triangle: Your Teenager – Your Spouse – You
Here’s how Type A triangles show up at work and create super toxic collateral damage. These are real examples from the Type A trenches.
“My boss keeps going around me to my direct reports and clients. I’m clueless about what he’s doing or saying to them so I end up with egg on my face and looking stupid. I’ve asked him to please keep me in the communication loop but he refuses. He says it’s his right as my boss to go around me. I don’t care that he is communicating with them. I don’t have anything to hide. I just want to know what’s going on so I don’t waste people’s time or look stupid. Even my direct reports are uncomfortable with this situation.”
Draw the triangle: Boss – Direct Reports (or clients) – Speaker
“I’m so frustrated. Rather than coming to me with his questions about my department, the CFO goes directly to the CEO. Then the CEO calls me into her office and confronts me. Things get blown out of proportion. All the drama could be avoided if the CFO would just come directly to me with his questions. It would be a lot more efficient, too.”
Draw the triangle: CFO – CEO – Speaker
“I told our attorney he didn’t need to attend the Board meeting because our policies and procedures restrict this meeting to Board members only. He didn’t like my answer so he asked the Board president if he could attend. He didn’t tell the president he had already asked me and I had said no or that our policies and procedures prohibit non-members from attending this meeting. The president didn’t realize what the policies were so she said ‘yes’. When I found out the attorney had gone around me to the president, we had a mess to clean up. It caused all kinds of unnecessary drama.”
Draw the triangle: Attorney – President – Speaker
Now, listen to this very carefully: When you’re caught in the crazy drama, it’s hard to see the triangle through the frustration and fog.
Where there’s drama, there is usually a triangle. Sniff it out and stomp on it.
Untangle the triangle. Kill the drama. Boost the trust.
Want to know more about diagnosing, solving and preventing Type A triangles?
Subscribe to my complementary newsletter, Lightning Bytes. I’m going to do a feature on Type A triangles in the coming weeks. Don’t miss out! Sign up today.
“I Just Want To Do My Job.”
“I just want to do my job.”
Hang around with hard working, high achieving Type A’s long enough and you’re bound to hear that. Heck. You may even be the one saying it!
On the surface the sentence is deceptively benign and easy to ignore.
“Duh. Of course, you want to do your job.”
But dig below the surface and you discover it’s a polite Type A code phrase for “Back off, Buster!”
Just like a dog snarls or a viper rattles, Type A’s give off warning signs before they attack.
“I just want to do my job.” is one of the most common Type A warning signs.
Type A Translation: “I just want to do my job.”
1. “Don’t ask me to do someone else’s work!”
2. “Quit wasting my time!”
3. “Cut the crap!”
4. “Don’t get in my way!”
5. “This is NOT in my job description!”
Ignore the warning. Expect to be bitten.
Check the Label
Frustrated that a direct report is not performing up to par? Exhausted trying to get your message across? Wondering why in the Blue Sky Vodka she doesn’t get on board?
Before you blow a gasket and end up in a casket, do a quick label check.
What label are you wearing when you talk to her? Colleague? Mother? Friend? Mentor? Boss? Vendor?
What label best fits the relationship?
Here’s the deal. It’s real easy to muddle your message when you wear the wrong label. The more labels you try to wear, the more confusing it becomes for you and everyone else.
If your most important relationship is as her boss, then be her boss. If your most important relationship is as her mentor, then be her mentor. If your most important relationship is as her friend, then be her friend.
Type A’s often want to be everything to everybody. It doesn’t work.
If you try to be her mother, her friend, her mentor and her boss, your message is going to be a grab bag of Type A crap. She’s going to be confused and you’re going to be clinging to sanity by your fingernails.
Take a deep breath. Check the label. Create the message.
10 Type A Positive Attitude Traps
No one argues louder or longer than a Type A who is positive she is right. I’ve been asked to clean up more Type A train wrecks caused by Type A positive attitudes than I can count.
Do the sniff test on your attitudes.
Are you stuck in these Type A positive attitude traps?
1. I am positive that the rules should be followed to a tee.
2. I am positive that he is out to get to me.
3. I am positive that a hands off approach is warranted.
4. I am positive that she knows how much I appreciate her work.
5. I am positive that I made my expectations explicitly clear.
6. I am positive that he would tell me if there was a problem.
7. I am positive that they have a hidden agenda.
8. I am positive that she knows how much is on my plate.
9. I am positive that I heard everything he had to say.
10. I am positive that it’s easier to just do it myself rather than delegate it.
Here’s a bonus:
11. I am positive that he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
What are you positive about?
Rock the Pricklies
“The biggest concern I have is…” The consultant’s voice faded into a nervous cough and an uneasy silence hung between us on the phone.
“Well, I don’t know how else to say it. Every time I’ve met with her, she has been very….uh, I guess you could call it… prickly. It’s like she’s on guard or thinks I’m out to get her. It’s very odd and disquieting.”
Are you giving people the pricklies?
Let’s get real. Being prickly is not the way to influence people and win friends. If you’re aspiring to leadership positions – like the super smart Type A executive in this example – you’re going to get there a lot faster if you mix accountability with a heaping portion of warm approachability.
Approachability makes people more comfortable sharing information with you. This is critical when collecting market intelligence or heading off potential problems.
Approachability also makes you more likable. The more people like you, the more they say ‘yes’ to what you’re asking. Creating employment engagement depends upon getting to ‘yes’.
Consider this. If accountability is the meat and potatoes of executive leadership, approachability is the secret sauce.
Tips to Rock the Pricklies
1. Identify what triggers your pricklies. Are you caught in a constant state of snarlies like a neurotic chihuahua? Or is your thorny demeanor tied to certain events or circumstances? For example, do you get testy when you feel rushed and overwhelmed with too much to do? Do you get abrupt and short when you feel like your time is being wasted? Do you go into a Dirty Harry funk when your introvert self is forced to interact with crowds of people for hours on end? Find the trigger.
2. Create a plan to preempt the pricklies. Now that you know what turns you into a porcupine, devise a strategy to cushion your quills. For example, if you know you can only handle five hours of client meetings in a row, schedule a break between the afternoon meetings and the dinner events. Hit the gym, veg out or do whatever will recharge your batteries.
3. Spill the beans. If you have a tendency to go into prickly mode without being aware of it, give your co-workers a heads up and ask for their help. There have been many pressure cooker days when I suspected a case of the pricklies was going to be hard to avoid. On those days, I just owned it up front with my staff. I simply warned them what might be coming down the pike and gave them permission to let me know if I turned into a bear.
4. Take five minutes to re-focus. Before you go to a meeting, take 5 minutes to clear your head and do some deep breathing. This well help you mentally and physically shift gears.
5. When meeting with people, put a warm and genuine smile on your face. If it feels forced or unnatural to smile, think about something that really makes you happy.
6. Look for the positive in every situation. It’s there. You just have to see it.
Rock the pricklies!
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It’s time to wake up and smell the truth. Like gas guzzling relics, traditional Type A’s are becoming passé. In the good ole’ days, with their steely-eyed focus and turbo-charged tactics, Type A’s could dominate the game by slicing, dicing and sacrificing. That pricey party is over. Award-winning executive coach Kay Cannon offers a funny insider’s look into the secret world of top performing Type A individuals and redefines how these talented and smart superstars can get great results without collateral damage.