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No More Pouty Lip Tantrums
OK, I’ve just got to rant…
If you’re a Type A tog dog who’s leaving a trail of splintered relationships behind you, please don’t kvetch and cry foul if your colleagues don’t bend over backwards to help you improve your relationship with them. I don’t want to hear anymore of these pouty lip,foot stomping tantrums, “But she’s not treating me right! Doesn’t it take two people to make a relationship work?!”
Here’s the skinny, Sherlock. You need to buck up and weather the storm that you created.
You’ve taught them to expect a dog-eat-dog brouhaha when dealing with you. Of course, they’re going to lead with their sharpest Ginsu knife when talking to you. You’ve been doing that to them for years. Why would they change now?
Here’s another thing. When you start to play nice, you’d better also believe that they’re going to distrust you and second guess everything you say and do for a month of Sundays. And if they see a chance to spotlight your slip ups, expect to be lit up like a Vegas strip joint on a Saturday night.
It’s going to take time to clean up the train wreck. Meanwhile, don’t look for excuses to return to your old ways. That’s just going to make your life tougher in the long run.
Buck up. Get it done. Stop pointing fingers and pouting.
Don’t Take the Bait
There it is. Dangling in front of your nose like a scrumptious morsel of self-indulgence. Taunting you with its seductive aroma.
Revenge.
Righteous indignation.
Blistering anger.
Backstabbing retaliation.
Intimidation.
Sarcasm.
Criticism.
Arrogance.
Cold indifference.
Passive aggressive sabotage.
What’s your poison of choice when someone pushes your hot buttons?
Make no mistake. Nothing makes a smart and talented Type A superstar look like a donkey’s backside quicker than swallowing the bait, hook, line and sinker like a clueless schmuck.
Here’s a secret.
Some very crafty Type A’s know how to push your buttons on purpose. Yep. The sneaky devils intentionally attempt to sabotage you by plucking your feathers. They’ve figured out that if they can get you all steamed, frazzled and parading your patootie, they’ve got the upper hand. They’ve got power over you.
Lose your Type A cool and you’ve lost the Type A game.
Make no mistake. When someone pushes your hot buttons, you’ve got a choice in how you respond. You can go to the dark side or you can stay calm, cool and collected.
Who’s pushing your buttons like cotton candy at the county fair?
Wake up and smell the bait.
Untangle the Triangle
Backstabbing. Blindsided. Back channeling.
What do all of these nasty situations have in common? Triangular communication.
Triangles create drama, destroy trust and sabotage relationships.
Let me prove it to you.
Your sixteen-year old asks you if she can spend Saturday with her friends. You tell her no and remind her that the two of you had previously agreed she would help you clean out the garage on Saturday. Upset at your answer, your teenager now goes to your unsuspecting spouse and asks if she can spend Saturday with her friends. Not aware of your deal to clean out the garage and your ‘no’ answer, your spouse says ‘yes’.
Saturday morning all hell breaks loose when you discover your teenager is planning to spend the day with her friends. You’re ticked off. Your spouse is ticked off. Your teenager is sulking in her room.
Your teenager created triangular communication between you, your spouse and your teenager.
Draw the triangle: Your Teenager – Your Spouse – You
Here’s how Type A triangles show up at work and create super toxic collateral damage. These are real examples from the Type A trenches.
“My boss keeps going around me to my direct reports and clients. I’m clueless about what he’s doing or saying to them so I end up with egg on my face and looking stupid. I’ve asked him to please keep me in the communication loop but he refuses. He says it’s his right as my boss to go around me. I don’t care that he is communicating with them. I don’t have anything to hide. I just want to know what’s going on so I don’t waste people’s time or look stupid. Even my direct reports are uncomfortable with this situation.”
Draw the triangle: Boss – Direct Reports (or clients) – Speaker
“I’m so frustrated. Rather than coming to me with his questions about my department, the CFO goes directly to the CEO. Then the CEO calls me into her office and confronts me. Things get blown out of proportion. All the drama could be avoided if the CFO would just come directly to me with his questions. It would be a lot more efficient, too.”
Draw the triangle: CFO – CEO – Speaker
“I told our attorney he didn’t need to attend the Board meeting because our policies and procedures restrict this meeting to Board members only. He didn’t like my answer so he asked the Board president if he could attend. He didn’t tell the president he had already asked me and I had said no or that our policies and procedures prohibit non-members from attending this meeting. The president didn’t realize what the policies were so she said ‘yes’. When I found out the attorney had gone around me to the president, we had a mess to clean up. It caused all kinds of unnecessary drama.”
Draw the triangle: Attorney – President – Speaker
Now, listen to this very carefully: When you’re caught in the crazy drama, it’s hard to see the triangle through the frustration and fog.
Where there’s drama, there is usually a triangle. Sniff it out and stomp on it.
Untangle the triangle. Kill the drama. Boost the trust.
Want to know more about diagnosing, solving and preventing Type A triangles?
Subscribe to my complementary newsletter, Lightning Bytes. I’m going to do a feature on Type A triangles in the coming weeks. Don’t miss out! Sign up today.
When Perfect Goes Bad
Type A’s are notorious for setting a high bar and then pushing themselves and everyone else over the edge. This is especially true for Type A’s who have been bitten by the perfect bug.
Have you been bitten by the perfect bug? Check out these 10 signs and symptoms.
1. You believe it’s important to strive for perfection.
2. You set unrealistic expectations for yourself and everyone else.
3. You let small mistakes or glitches overshadow big accomplishments or wins.
4. You see the problems before you see the positives.
5. You are rarely satisfied.
6. You are quick to criticize.
7. “It’s good enough” makes you cringe.
8. You invest a lot of time tweaking projects for tiny bits of improvement.
9. You would rather not do anything than do it halfway.
10. You put a lot of pressure on yourself to be your best.
Here’s the brutal truth. Perfect is impossible.
Lighten up. Loosen up. Liven up.
10 Type A Positive Attitude Traps
No one argues louder or longer than a Type A who is positive she is right. I’ve been asked to clean up more Type A train wrecks caused by Type A positive attitudes than I can count.
Do the sniff test on your attitudes.
Are you stuck in these Type A positive attitude traps?
1. I am positive that the rules should be followed to a tee.
2. I am positive that he is out to get to me.
3. I am positive that a hands off approach is warranted.
4. I am positive that she knows how much I appreciate her work.
5. I am positive that I made my expectations explicitly clear.
6. I am positive that he would tell me if there was a problem.
7. I am positive that they have a hidden agenda.
8. I am positive that she knows how much is on my plate.
9. I am positive that I heard everything he had to say.
10. I am positive that it’s easier to just do it myself rather than delegate it.
Here’s a bonus:
11. I am positive that he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
What are you positive about?
Eyeball the Rules
Stuck in a squabble? Hog tied by feuding frustration? Languishing at loggerheads?
Few things throw a kink in your kabobs quicker than a never-ending, teeth grinding tussle between two Type A warriors.
Bring the bloody battle to a truce. Drill below the dueling to reveal the real bone of contention.
One of the most common buried bones of Type A contention is rules. When it comes to rules, Type A’s usually fall into two camps – the Ramrod or the Rabble-rouser.
The Ramrod enforces rules. The Rabble-rouser challenges rules. The Ramrod finds rules comforting. The Rabble-rouser finds rules confining. The Ramrod loves consistency and predictability. The Rabble-rouser loves customizing and tweaking.
Eyeball the rules. Find the bone. Bury the hatchet.
Responsibility – Authority = Train Wreck
A reader writes:
“The train wreck analogy is an accurate description of my reality. As a supervisor, I am squarely in the midst of \”do more with less.\” Any suggestions on dealing with situations for which you are responsible but feel you have little authority to change?”
I have to rant. One the stupidest things a manager can do is hold someone responsible without giving that person the authority to get the job done… especially if the employee happens to be a highly driven, conscientious Type A individual who wants to be successful. Responsibility without authority destroys motivation, creates unhappy employees and makes accountability a joke. IT’S STUPID!!!! If you’re doing it, wake up and stop it.
OK, I feel better.
Want to see the seven game changing suggestions I gave this reader? Check out next Tuesday’s Lightning Bytes newsletter. Not a subscriber? You’re missing out, kiddo. Click here to get my Lightning Bytes delivered to your inbox.
Sidestep the Landmine
Ever step in a big pile of dog poop?
If so, then you know that “What just happened?!” feeling is quickly followed by a voice screaming in your head, “Why didn’t you watch where you were stepping!!??”
The same thing happens at work when you unwittingly stumble upon a political landmine. A nasty “What just happened?!” stench fills the air while the voice in your head screams, “why didn’t you see that coming?!”.
Here’s the deal about Type A’s and political landmines.
We rarely see the political landmine until we step right smack dab on the detonator. With our whatever-it-takes, full-speed-ahead persona, we are so focused on the end goal that we often innocently overlook the booby traps. We don’t realize there is a problem up ahead until it all blows up in our face.
With a little strategic thinking you can easily sidestep political landmines while still accomplishing what needs to get done.
6 Landmines Type A’s Most Often Overlook
When hiking through these badlands, watch where you step!
1. Decisions that may be perceived as undermining someone’s formal status, particularly related to pay, title and authority. Example: If you hire a new employee at a salary significantly higher than other comparable employees, you’d better have an advance plan to sidestep the landmine. And, yes, eventually the salary differential will leak out.
2. Decisions that may be perceived as negatively impacting someone’s workspace, such as the size of their office, the location of their office, the quality of their chair, whether or not the office has windows, etc. Some of the bloodiest workplace battles I’ve witnessed have been caused by arguing over who gets the window or who is allowed to adjust the thermostat. Example: Giving the new hire the empty cubicle which also happens to be the only one with a window.
3. Decisions that may be perceived as negatively impacting someone’s time off. Example: Scheduling a mandatory meeting during someone’s time off and demanding she come in to work or scheduling the same person to work Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve.
4. Decisions that decrease administrative support. No one has enough time to get everything done. If people on your team are lucky enough to have some admin support, they will fight a wicked battle to keep whatever they have. Example: Cutting admin support for a well functioning project team and giving it to another project team which is struggling to meet a deadline.
5. Actions that may be perceived as undermining key relationships. Example: Asking your most trusted account executive to ‘check’ on a key client account that is the responsibility of another account executive.
6. Comments, decisions or actions that may be perceived as casting a shadow over someone’s personal integrity. Example: Demanding an explanation for someone’s actions in such a way that it insinuates the person is up to no good, is stupid or is incompetent.
It’s a lot easier to strategically step over the poop than scrap it off your credibility.
What landmines did I leave off the list? Share your watch list!
Whip the Weasel
Back channeling. Double talk. Political puffery. Bouncing decisions.
Must be springtime. The weasels are out in full force.
Last week several Type A straight shooting, get-it-done clients were at their wits’ end with the exact same problem. A passive aggressive co-worker – the weasel of the workplace – was playing and winning a shell game of slimy shenanigans.
Why was the weasel winning?
Simple. All of my clients made the exact same mistake.
They were seduced into believing the weasel’s game was all about business. Like most Type A top guns, they kept their eye squarely on the business ball.
Deadly mistake when you’re dealing with a sneaky predator.
Listen carefully.
Weasels play for personal power and control. Business is just the backdrop for the weasel’s game.
The weasel lulls you into believing it’s all about business and then he sinks his teeth in the back of your neck. Keep your eye on the business ball and you’re a sitting duck.
Want to whip the weasel? Follow these three steps.
1. Look the weasel in the eye.
2. Ask “What’s this really about?”
3. Repeat “What’s this really about?” until you get a straight answer or the weasel slinks off looking for weaker prey.
Ask the question. Whip the weasel. Get back to business.
What have you done to whip the weasel?
Why Type A’s are Prone to Guilt Gone Awry
In my last blog post, we took a look at Guilt Gone Awry. Today, I’m going to reveal why Type A’s are especially prone to Guilt Gone Awry.
You know you’ve got a case of Guilt Gone Awry when your logical mind tells you that you have done nothing wrong, but that little voice in your head scolds nonstop. Guilt Gone Awry is a form of Type A collateral damage.
Before I solve the mystery of why Type A’s are so susceptible to Guilt Gone Awry, let’s do a quick recap of Guilt 101.
As you grow up, authority figures program you to play by the rules so you get along with others. These rules are expectations for good behavior as determined by others. At an early age, when you break these rules, you are taught to feel badly – or guilty. The person who uses guilt assumes you have complete control over your behavior. The bottom line: Guilt is a tool used to control behaviors deemed to be undesirable or harmful to others.
Here’s the inside scoop on why Type A’s let guilt run a muck.
Think back to Guilt 101. By definition, there has to be an unmet expectation for guilt to be triggered. This is the first place where Type A’s get gummed up in guilt.
Type A’s are notorious for setting extremely high expectations. We often set these unrealistic expectations as a means of pushing ourselves and others to ever higher levels of achievement. As expectations soar, the likelihood of failure increases. Each time you or someone else fails to jump over the moon the trigger on your Guilt-O-Meter gets yanked. Pretty soon, you’re spewing a perpetual fountain of Guilt Gone Awry all because you benchmark your behavior (and that of others) against unrealistic Type A expectations.
But that’s only half the story.
For guilt to be legitimate, you must have complete control. Quite simply, when control is missing, guilt isn’t an appropriate reaction. This is the second place where Type A guilt veers off course and causes collateral damage.
Truth be told, Type A’s believe we control much more than we really do. We perpetuate an illusion of control even when we don’t have control. It’s one of the ways we convince ourselves that we have the power to achieve those unrealistic expectations. It’s also why we hold ourselves accountable for things that we really have no control over. This misplaced accountability creates unnecessary guilt.
So what does all this mean?
Unrealistic Type A Expectations + Type A Illusions of Control = Guilt Gone Awry
What unrealistic expectations are you lugging around?
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It’s time to wake up and smell the truth. Like gas guzzling relics, traditional Type A’s are becoming passé. In the good ole’ days, with their steely-eyed focus and turbo-charged tactics, Type A’s could dominate the game by slicing, dicing and sacrificing. That pricey party is over. Award-winning executive coach Kay Cannon offers a funny insider’s look into the secret world of top performing Type A individuals and redefines how these talented and smart superstars can get great results without collateral damage.