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No More Pouty Lip Tantrums
OK, I’ve just got to rant…
If you’re a Type A tog dog who’s leaving a trail of splintered relationships behind you, please don’t kvetch and cry foul if your colleagues don’t bend over backwards to help you improve your relationship with them. I don’t want to hear anymore of these pouty lip,foot stomping tantrums, “But she’s not treating me right! Doesn’t it take two people to make a relationship work?!”
Here’s the skinny, Sherlock. You need to buck up and weather the storm that you created.
You’ve taught them to expect a dog-eat-dog brouhaha when dealing with you. Of course, they’re going to lead with their sharpest Ginsu knife when talking to you. You’ve been doing that to them for years. Why would they change now?
Here’s another thing. When you start to play nice, you’d better also believe that they’re going to distrust you and second guess everything you say and do for a month of Sundays. And if they see a chance to spotlight your slip ups, expect to be lit up like a Vegas strip joint on a Saturday night.
It’s going to take time to clean up the train wreck. Meanwhile, don’t look for excuses to return to your old ways. That’s just going to make your life tougher in the long run.
Buck up. Get it done. Stop pointing fingers and pouting.
Watch Your Words
Here’s a little secret I want to share with you.
When you feel stuck in a situation, a quick way to get unstuck and grab some traction is to do a little switcheroo with the words you’ve been using to describe the situation.
Let me show you how this works.
If you and a co-worker are locking horns every time you turn around over various ‘issues’, don’t try to resolve your ‘issues’.
The word ‘issue’ has become emotionally charged and associated with fighting. As soon as both of you hear the word ‘issue’, your brains go into ninja warrior mode. It’s harder for both of you to be open minded, creative and collaborative. Fat chance you’re going to see things in a new way if you’re still lugging around ‘issues’.
Ditch ‘issues’ and substitute a new, fresh word in its place. For example, you could use question, topic, subject, event, puzzle or a host of other ways to describe the situation. Get out your thesaurus (or go to www.thesaurus.com) and look for cool alternatives to the word ‘issue’. Trading in worn out words is like buying a new pair of shoes. It puts a little pizzazz in your step.
Here’s another example.
If ‘doing a presentation’ turns you into a quivering puddle of nerves, banish the phrase ‘doing a presentation’ from your speech AND your thoughts. Instead, plug in something like ‘engaging in a chat’ or ‘sharing a few thoughts’.
As simple as this sounds, this technique really does work.
Here’s one last example for you.
For years ‘I wanted to lose weight’ without much real success. Then – out of typical Type A frustration – I finally decided, “To hell with losing weight! I just want to be healthy and happy.” With my focus on being healthy and happy, I’ve lost 14 pounds without feeling like I’m making sacrifices or starving myself.
Who knew that all I needed to do to lose weight was lose the word ‘weight’?
Here’s the deal. Your speech, your thoughts and your emotions are all interwoven.
Remember when Mom told you to watch what you say? Well, as it turns out, she was on to something!
What words are holding your brain hostage?
Tweak a few words. Make a quantum leap.
Don’t Take the Bait
There it is. Dangling in front of your nose like a scrumptious morsel of self-indulgence. Taunting you with its seductive aroma.
Revenge.
Righteous indignation.
Blistering anger.
Backstabbing retaliation.
Intimidation.
Sarcasm.
Criticism.
Arrogance.
Cold indifference.
Passive aggressive sabotage.
What’s your poison of choice when someone pushes your hot buttons?
Make no mistake. Nothing makes a smart and talented Type A superstar look like a donkey’s backside quicker than swallowing the bait, hook, line and sinker like a clueless schmuck.
Here’s a secret.
Some very crafty Type A’s know how to push your buttons on purpose. Yep. The sneaky devils intentionally attempt to sabotage you by plucking your feathers. They’ve figured out that if they can get you all steamed, frazzled and parading your patootie, they’ve got the upper hand. They’ve got power over you.
Lose your Type A cool and you’ve lost the Type A game.
Make no mistake. When someone pushes your hot buttons, you’ve got a choice in how you respond. You can go to the dark side or you can stay calm, cool and collected.
Who’s pushing your buttons like cotton candy at the county fair?
Wake up and smell the bait.
Untangle the Triangle
Backstabbing. Blindsided. Back channeling.
What do all of these nasty situations have in common? Triangular communication.
Triangles create drama, destroy trust and sabotage relationships.
Let me prove it to you.
Your sixteen-year old asks you if she can spend Saturday with her friends. You tell her no and remind her that the two of you had previously agreed she would help you clean out the garage on Saturday. Upset at your answer, your teenager now goes to your unsuspecting spouse and asks if she can spend Saturday with her friends. Not aware of your deal to clean out the garage and your ‘no’ answer, your spouse says ‘yes’.
Saturday morning all hell breaks loose when you discover your teenager is planning to spend the day with her friends. You’re ticked off. Your spouse is ticked off. Your teenager is sulking in her room.
Your teenager created triangular communication between you, your spouse and your teenager.
Draw the triangle: Your Teenager – Your Spouse – You
Here’s how Type A triangles show up at work and create super toxic collateral damage. These are real examples from the Type A trenches.
“My boss keeps going around me to my direct reports and clients. I’m clueless about what he’s doing or saying to them so I end up with egg on my face and looking stupid. I’ve asked him to please keep me in the communication loop but he refuses. He says it’s his right as my boss to go around me. I don’t care that he is communicating with them. I don’t have anything to hide. I just want to know what’s going on so I don’t waste people’s time or look stupid. Even my direct reports are uncomfortable with this situation.”
Draw the triangle: Boss – Direct Reports (or clients) – Speaker
“I’m so frustrated. Rather than coming to me with his questions about my department, the CFO goes directly to the CEO. Then the CEO calls me into her office and confronts me. Things get blown out of proportion. All the drama could be avoided if the CFO would just come directly to me with his questions. It would be a lot more efficient, too.”
Draw the triangle: CFO – CEO – Speaker
“I told our attorney he didn’t need to attend the Board meeting because our policies and procedures restrict this meeting to Board members only. He didn’t like my answer so he asked the Board president if he could attend. He didn’t tell the president he had already asked me and I had said no or that our policies and procedures prohibit non-members from attending this meeting. The president didn’t realize what the policies were so she said ‘yes’. When I found out the attorney had gone around me to the president, we had a mess to clean up. It caused all kinds of unnecessary drama.”
Draw the triangle: Attorney – President – Speaker
Now, listen to this very carefully: When you’re caught in the crazy drama, it’s hard to see the triangle through the frustration and fog.
Where there’s drama, there is usually a triangle. Sniff it out and stomp on it.
Untangle the triangle. Kill the drama. Boost the trust.
Want to know more about diagnosing, solving and preventing Type A triangles?
Subscribe to my complementary newsletter, Lightning Bytes. I’m going to do a feature on Type A triangles in the coming weeks. Don’t miss out! Sign up today.
When Perfect Goes Bad
Type A’s are notorious for setting a high bar and then pushing themselves and everyone else over the edge. This is especially true for Type A’s who have been bitten by the perfect bug.
Have you been bitten by the perfect bug? Check out these 10 signs and symptoms.
1. You believe it’s important to strive for perfection.
2. You set unrealistic expectations for yourself and everyone else.
3. You let small mistakes or glitches overshadow big accomplishments or wins.
4. You see the problems before you see the positives.
5. You are rarely satisfied.
6. You are quick to criticize.
7. “It’s good enough” makes you cringe.
8. You invest a lot of time tweaking projects for tiny bits of improvement.
9. You would rather not do anything than do it halfway.
10. You put a lot of pressure on yourself to be your best.
Here’s the brutal truth. Perfect is impossible.
Lighten up. Loosen up. Liven up.
Check the Label
Frustrated that a direct report is not performing up to par? Exhausted trying to get your message across? Wondering why in the Blue Sky Vodka she doesn’t get on board?
Before you blow a gasket and end up in a casket, do a quick label check.
What label are you wearing when you talk to her? Colleague? Mother? Friend? Mentor? Boss? Vendor?
What label best fits the relationship?
Here’s the deal. It’s real easy to muddle your message when you wear the wrong label. The more labels you try to wear, the more confusing it becomes for you and everyone else.
If your most important relationship is as her boss, then be her boss. If your most important relationship is as her mentor, then be her mentor. If your most important relationship is as her friend, then be her friend.
Type A’s often want to be everything to everybody. It doesn’t work.
If you try to be her mother, her friend, her mentor and her boss, your message is going to be a grab bag of Type A crap. She’s going to be confused and you’re going to be clinging to sanity by your fingernails.
Take a deep breath. Check the label. Create the message.
10 Type A Positive Attitude Traps
No one argues louder or longer than a Type A who is positive she is right. I’ve been asked to clean up more Type A train wrecks caused by Type A positive attitudes than I can count.
Do the sniff test on your attitudes.
Are you stuck in these Type A positive attitude traps?
1. I am positive that the rules should be followed to a tee.
2. I am positive that he is out to get to me.
3. I am positive that a hands off approach is warranted.
4. I am positive that she knows how much I appreciate her work.
5. I am positive that I made my expectations explicitly clear.
6. I am positive that he would tell me if there was a problem.
7. I am positive that they have a hidden agenda.
8. I am positive that she knows how much is on my plate.
9. I am positive that I heard everything he had to say.
10. I am positive that it’s easier to just do it myself rather than delegate it.
Here’s a bonus:
11. I am positive that he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
What are you positive about?
Rock the Pricklies
“The biggest concern I have is…” The consultant’s voice faded into a nervous cough and an uneasy silence hung between us on the phone.
“Well, I don’t know how else to say it. Every time I’ve met with her, she has been very….uh, I guess you could call it… prickly. It’s like she’s on guard or thinks I’m out to get her. It’s very odd and disquieting.”
Are you giving people the pricklies?
Let’s get real. Being prickly is not the way to influence people and win friends. If you’re aspiring to leadership positions – like the super smart Type A executive in this example – you’re going to get there a lot faster if you mix accountability with a heaping portion of warm approachability.
Approachability makes people more comfortable sharing information with you. This is critical when collecting market intelligence or heading off potential problems.
Approachability also makes you more likable. The more people like you, the more they say ‘yes’ to what you’re asking. Creating employment engagement depends upon getting to ‘yes’.
Consider this. If accountability is the meat and potatoes of executive leadership, approachability is the secret sauce.
Tips to Rock the Pricklies
1. Identify what triggers your pricklies. Are you caught in a constant state of snarlies like a neurotic chihuahua? Or is your thorny demeanor tied to certain events or circumstances? For example, do you get testy when you feel rushed and overwhelmed with too much to do? Do you get abrupt and short when you feel like your time is being wasted? Do you go into a Dirty Harry funk when your introvert self is forced to interact with crowds of people for hours on end? Find the trigger.
2. Create a plan to preempt the pricklies. Now that you know what turns you into a porcupine, devise a strategy to cushion your quills. For example, if you know you can only handle five hours of client meetings in a row, schedule a break between the afternoon meetings and the dinner events. Hit the gym, veg out or do whatever will recharge your batteries.
3. Spill the beans. If you have a tendency to go into prickly mode without being aware of it, give your co-workers a heads up and ask for their help. There have been many pressure cooker days when I suspected a case of the pricklies was going to be hard to avoid. On those days, I just owned it up front with my staff. I simply warned them what might be coming down the pike and gave them permission to let me know if I turned into a bear.
4. Take five minutes to re-focus. Before you go to a meeting, take 5 minutes to clear your head and do some deep breathing. This well help you mentally and physically shift gears.
5. When meeting with people, put a warm and genuine smile on your face. If it feels forced or unnatural to smile, think about something that really makes you happy.
6. Look for the positive in every situation. It’s there. You just have to see it.
Rock the pricklies!
Eyeball the Rules
Stuck in a squabble? Hog tied by feuding frustration? Languishing at loggerheads?
Few things throw a kink in your kabobs quicker than a never-ending, teeth grinding tussle between two Type A warriors.
Bring the bloody battle to a truce. Drill below the dueling to reveal the real bone of contention.
One of the most common buried bones of Type A contention is rules. When it comes to rules, Type A’s usually fall into two camps – the Ramrod or the Rabble-rouser.
The Ramrod enforces rules. The Rabble-rouser challenges rules. The Ramrod finds rules comforting. The Rabble-rouser finds rules confining. The Ramrod loves consistency and predictability. The Rabble-rouser loves customizing and tweaking.
Eyeball the rules. Find the bone. Bury the hatchet.
Responsibility – Authority = Train Wreck
A reader writes:
“The train wreck analogy is an accurate description of my reality. As a supervisor, I am squarely in the midst of \”do more with less.\” Any suggestions on dealing with situations for which you are responsible but feel you have little authority to change?”
I have to rant. One the stupidest things a manager can do is hold someone responsible without giving that person the authority to get the job done… especially if the employee happens to be a highly driven, conscientious Type A individual who wants to be successful. Responsibility without authority destroys motivation, creates unhappy employees and makes accountability a joke. IT’S STUPID!!!! If you’re doing it, wake up and stop it.
OK, I feel better.
Want to see the seven game changing suggestions I gave this reader? Check out next Tuesday’s Lightning Bytes newsletter. Not a subscriber? You’re missing out, kiddo. Click here to get my Lightning Bytes delivered to your inbox.
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It’s time to wake up and smell the truth. Like gas guzzling relics, traditional Type A’s are becoming passé. In the good ole’ days, with their steely-eyed focus and turbo-charged tactics, Type A’s could dominate the game by slicing, dicing and sacrificing. That pricey party is over. Award-winning executive coach Kay Cannon offers a funny insider’s look into the secret world of top performing Type A individuals and redefines how these talented and smart superstars can get great results without collateral damage.