“A brain tumor.  Wow.  I didn’t see that coming.”

As I hung up the phone, my rapid-fire mind came to a screeching halt and sat there in stunned silence.  Wow.  A brain tumor.  Now what?

My Type A father, a retired veterinarian, newlywed, avid dancer, qigong practitioner and self-proclaimed health freak, had just discovered his high blood pressure headaches were actually the result of a butterfly brain tumor growing deep within his head.  This was the last thing we had expected.  After all, more than one doctor had reassured him that once his blood pressure was under better control, the headaches would go away.

I shook my head as if to jumpstart it from its stalled position.  The only thing I knew for sure was that I had to get out of the house.  I had to have some time to myself.  I had to think, process and ponder this sudden change that was thrust upon me without warning.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  I didn’t want to cry.  I didn’t want to scream in anger.  I just wanted to withdraw from the world and gather myself and my thoughts.

I grabbed my two dogs and went for a long walk in the autumn twilight.  There was something therapeutic in the robotic activity of walking.  It required no thought and no effort.  Just one foot in front of the other over and over again.

In the comforting cadence, emotions began to appear like falling stars in a black midnight.  A few more steps and fragmented thoughts began to form and coalesce into sentences.  Slowly, as the red and yellows leaves crunched underfoot, the crisp air began to re-awaken my stunned mind like a neurological defibrillator.  Soon I was hitting on all 8 mental cylinders.  And I knew I was ready to rejoin the nightmare that was unfolding.

I don’t know about you, but when change wallops me upside the head with a telephone pole my natural reaction is to temporarily withdraw or disengage from the situation so I can go inward and regain my bearings.  Like most Type A’s, I am action-oriented.  I hate wasting time wringing hands, running willy-nilly or blowing my top like Vesuvius.  And when I take action I want my actions to be thoughtful, aligned and effective.   Withdrawing gives me the precious space and time to do just that.   For me, it’s like rebooting to get a fresh hard drive.  Once I’ve rebooted, I’m ready to deal with whatever is thrown my way.

As with the reactions of anger, sadness and confusion, withdrawing in response to change is a normal and natural reaction.  It only becomes a problem if you get stuck and can’t move forward.  Persistent withdrawal or disengagement may be an indicator of a deeper fear or concern.

Are you or someone you know stuck in withdrawal?

Signs that someone may be stuck in withdrawal or disengagement:

•    The person avoids discussing the change.
•    The person appears to lose interest and initiative. She quits but still draws a paycheck.  She puts in her time, but not her energy.  She is no longer passionate about her work or fully committed.
•    She covers up her loss of commitment by adopting a “no problem” attitude, keeping a low profile or flying under the radar.

What you may see when someone is stuck in withdrawal:

•    Being hard to find.
•    Doing only the basic requirements.
•    Shrugging shoulders.
•    Won’t ask questions.
•    Won’t seek information.
•    Won’t discuss the situation with others.
•    Expends great amounts of energy to avoid interactions.
•    Hides in his office.
•    Won’t make eye contact during meetings.
•    Deflects questions.

What you may hear when someone is stuck in withdrawal:

•    “Just keep your head down.”
•    “No problem.”
•    “It’s okay.”
•    “I don’t care.”
•    “What else is new?”
•    “Anything you say.”
•    “I’ll do my job.”
•    “No big deal.”
•    “It won’t affect me.”
•    “It’ll be temporary.”
•    “This happens every four or five years.”

What to do if you have a direct report who is stuck in withdrawal:

1.    Realize you will need to make the first move.   Your goal is to get discussion – not generate enthusiasm.
2.    When you talk to the person provide a safe environment.   Don’t be critical or demanding.  You want the person to open up to you.
3.    Be direct.  Tell him exactly what you’ve seen.  Try to surface his underlying concerns and feelings.  Use “I” statements.  “I’ve noticed that you’re not actively participating in team meetings.  You seem very quiet.  That’s not like you.  What’s happening?”
4.    Be quiet and listen closely.  Be prepared to dig for information.  You want to start a dialogue.

What to do if you are stuck in withdrawal:

1.    Realize that prolonged withdrawal is avoidance behavior.  Ask yourself what it is that you are avoiding.
2.    Identify what underlying concern or fear is fueling your withdrawal.
3.    Resist the temptation to blame others for your situation.  Take responsibility for your feelings.  When you blame others, you are assuming the role of victim.  You are choosing to be powerless.
4.    Talk to someone you trust about the fear or concern that lies beneath your withdrawal.
5.    Take action – even it’s a very small first step – to breakout of withdrawal and into more full engagement.  For instance, if you are afraid you’re not sure what to do, take action to get more information to help you feel comfortable making a decision.  Or, if you really hate your job or your boss, take action to find a new job.

Want help leading change?  Give me a call.  I can help.

P.S.  For those of you who may be wondering, yes, my father has just been diagnosed with a brain tumor.  As of this writing, we are unsure of what lies ahead.  The only thing I know for sure is that I will be flying back and forth between Kentucky and Texas over the next weeks and months as our family moves through this difficult situation.   If you need to reach me urgently, please contact my superstar Type A assistant Nora Rubinoff at nora@kaycannon.com or (513) 252-2550.

“With all the change around here, I don’t have a clue what the hell they want me to do. So I’m going to just put my head down and keep doing what I’ve always done. It was good enough for them in the past so it’ll have to be good enough for them now.” – A Vice President

Let me share a secret with you. When change is driving, confusion is usually found in the backseat quietly fumbling with the GPS.

Here’s why. Change alters the clarity and stability of roles, relationships and responsibilities. It requires redefining and realigning who you are and what you must do. Simply put, confusion is a common companion of change.

Let me share another secret with you.

In my experience, Type A executives are notorious at unwittingly creating confusion when driving change. This is especially true the higher you go in the leadership food chain. And nothing derails a change initiative quicker than untreated confusion. It wastes resources, undermines morale, hurts execution and decreases productivity.

Let’s take a closer look at three of the reasons Type A leaders unknowingly create confusion when leading change.

1. Type A’s hate to waste time. Type A’s are relentless about results and maniacal about time. Put these two together and it spells “I want it yesterday!!” In the rush to produce results, taking time to thoroughly explain and discuss new roles, responsibilities and expectations doesn’t happen. Confusion sprouts in-between the seams of well-intentioned but incomplete communication.
2. Type A’s assume understanding. One of the biggest instigators of Type A collateral damage is assuming others understand what you are saying. After all, what you say makes perfect sense to you, doesn’t it? But, here’s the problem. Chances are pretty high that you’re throwing around words that can have multiple meanings. Words like quality, effective and timely. Unless these fuzzy words are specifically defined, the chances are pretty good that you and those around you may end up with different takes on exactly what should be done, by who and by when. Unfortunately, the differing definitions don’t surface until there’s a big disconnect and lots of unnecessary drama.
3. Type A’s don’t suffer fools. They expect you to know what to do and to do it well. Sadly, this mindset often discourages direct reports from asking questions. Consequently, these folks try to figure it out what is expected using a process of assumptions, eliminations, and trial and error methodology that just exacerbates and spreads the confusion throughout the entire organization.

But Type A leaders unconsciously causing confusion is just a tiny part of the problem.

The real danger occurs when the organization is full of hard charging Type A top performers. For instance, Type A cauldrons like legal firms, healthcare systems, universities and entrepreneurial ventures. In these high-octane environments the confusion can quietly and rapidly grow into an enormous and deadly cancer before you see it.

Why’s that? The unconscious Type A mindsets (and the collateral damage they cause) increase exponentially as you move down, out and through the organization. These unconscious mindsets feed the change-induced confusion.

Here are three of the most common Type A unconscious mindsets that fuel confusion.

1. Type A’s hate to waste time. Did I say that already? Yes, I did and it’s worth repeating. Type A top performers will often explode from the starting blocks like a lightning bolt hell bent on winning the race. Who has time to waste on asking questions?
2. Type A’s hate to look like they don’t know what is going on. This mindset will cause a Type A top performer to confidently shake her head yes, when inside she’s screaming “What the f…..!?” Her confusion doesn’t rear its gnarly head until there’s a “What just happened?!” moment.
3. Type A’s like to be in control. When it’s fuzzy about who’s supposed to do what and when, Type A’s will choose the understanding that gives them the most control. That’s when turf battles and inflamed egos can spread quicker than a wildfire.

Now let me throw in another Type A wrinkle. Many of these Type A top performers are also leaders of divisions, departments and teams. They are charged with communicating change to their direct reports. When they are confused and operating with the many Type A unconscious mindsets we’ve just identified, you can see how confusion can spread quicker than pink eye in a kindergarten.

Signs someone may be reacting to change with confusion:

• He appears lost and confused. He may even appear like a deer frozen in headlights. He is unsure of how he fits in with the new situation. He may even be unsure about what he is feeling. His feelings may be a chaotic mixture of anger, sadness and confusion.
• He expends energy trying to determine what to do instead of how to do it.
• He uses the past as the basis for his understanding of his new responsibilities, priorities & goals.
• He makes inaccurate assumptions.
• He gets angry easily and spends energy defending his actions.
• His energy goes into scurrying or busy work. If you don’t know what to do, at least do something.
• He always asks questions.
• He does the wrong things
• He gets others to ask questions
• He may worry unduly or even “catastrophize”.
• He becomes very detail oriented.
• He involves others in questioning the change process.
• He does not know priorities.
• He leaves work undone until all of his questions are answered.

What you might hear when someone is reacting with confusion:

• “Now what do I do?”
• “Now do I have to start all over?”
• “What do I need to learn?”
• “What’s going on here?”
• “What do I do first?”
• “You won’t get my commitment until I get the information I demand.”

What to do if you have a direct report who is confused:

• Provide information. Overcommunicate. Research has shown that the typical person needs to hear something seven times before he remembers it.
• Make it safe for the person to ask questions. Suspend judgment. Be patient. Provide assurance that you will take the time to address all concerns.
• Be prepared to go into detail.
• Avoid using words that can have different interpretations.
• Develop a detailed plan or strategy to communicate about change.
• Provide a written framework the details the new responsibilities, roles, expectations and goals. Establish priorities.
• Recognize that neutral questions may mask worry.
• Stop asking “Do you understand?” or “Do you have any questions?” These questions make it easy for the person to say ‘no’ when they still have unanswered concerns. Instead ask opened ended questions to check for shared understanding. Open ended questions begin with ‘who, what and when’. “What else would you find helpful to know?”

What to do if you are reacting to change with confusion:

• Ask questions to understand.
• Identify what specific pieces of information you feel are missing from your understanding.
• Be patient with yourself. Understanding can take time.
• Keep your sense of humor. You will learn much faster if you can laugh.
• Expand your perspective to consider the situation beyond just your role.

Want help leading change? Give me a call. I can help.

“If men are honest, everything they do and everywhere they go is for a chance to see women. There were points in my life where I felt oddly irresistible to women. I’m not in that state now and that makes me sad.”

- Jack Nicholson

Even Academy Award winning Type A titans aren’t immune to sadness in the face of change.

When change does the cha-cha on your world, what you’ve always known to be true can get turned upside down and sideways. You go from being a sexy hunk with a six pack to a wrinkled rebel with a flabby belly. That’s when a lot of Type A top performers go into anger overdrive and wage war against the change demon. However, what many of these warriors will confess if they are really honest is that the anger is just a smokescreen to hide sadness.

Let’s take a closer look at why sadness is a normal and common response to change.

By definition change begins with an ending. One world must end for another world to begin. You go from being single to being married. You go from being childless to being a parent. You go from being a manager to being an executive. You go from being young and cool to old and gray. You go from knowing what to expect to not being sure what the new world will bring.

Anytime something ends, it’s natural and common to experience a sense of loss and the accompanying feelings of grief and sadness. Grief and sadness can even pop up when change is positive and welcome. For instance, you are overjoyed with the birth of your baby and you mourn the loss of sleep the change brings. You’re thrilled with your corner office yet you miss the comfortable comradery of your old cubicle colleagues. In these bittersweet situations, the sweet part of change helps us process, accept and move through the accompanying sadness in a healthy way.

However, when the change is more bitter than sweet, like the loss of your job or the death of your spouse, the grief and sadness can wrap its arms around you like a strait jacket. When this happens, you become locked on the past even though it no longer exists. You turn to the past for comfort, a sense of belonging and positive feedback about who you used to be.

“I used to be important, but now, in the new organizational chart, I’m just another mid-level manager.”

“I remember when you could treat patients without the insurance company telling you what to do. Things were so much simpler then. I miss those days.”

“I used to be a chick magnet.”

When you get stuck in sadness, it’s not healthy or productive. Persistent sadness prevents you from processing and accepting change. And that’s not good. You become the aging actress who destroys her natural beauty with Botox or the widower who withdraws from his family and friends or the gifted professional who stalls out because she’s stuck in an old mindset that no longer works.

Key points for leaders to remember about sadness and Type A top performers:

• Many smart and talented Type A’s are reluctant to admit that change triggers sadness within them because sadness is so often associated with weakness and looking bad. Consequently, they will cover up their sadness by acting angry and attacking the change and the people associated with the change. When you react to the anger, it distracts you – and them – from dealing with what the real problem is – sadness and grief over a sense of loss.
• When leading change, acknowledge that feelings of loss, grief and sadness are a normal part of change. Make it OK for people to talk about it so they can process and move through the feelings in a healthy way. When you drive change without taking and making the time to acknowledge and talk about normal feelings of sadness or worry, you are asking for trouble.

How to know if you or someone else is stuck in sadness:

• You find yourself saying or thinking “I used to…”. Be especially mindful of pairing “I used to” statements with inaccuracies, exaggerations or fears. “I used to be successful, but now I’m a failure.” “Our opinions used to be respected by management, but now they don’t give a damn about what we think.” “I used to be attractive, but now I’m old and fat.”
• You find yourself frequently thinking, talking and reminiscing about the past because it gives you a sense of belonging or is comforting. “I remember when…”
• You feel stranded, frustrated, hurt and betrayed by the change. “I’ve been so loyal to the company and made so many sacrifices. How could they do this to me? No one understands how hard this is on me.”
• Irrational thoughts seem plausible. “If I had only gone to the gym more, my wife wouldn’t have left me.”

Typical behaviors you see when someone is stuck in sadness:

• They dwell on the past and spend time frequently reminiscing about the past or way things used to be.
• They sulk, look dejected or appear depressed.
• They resist new procedures, tasks or supervisors. In spite of knowing the new expectations, procedures and responsibilities, they continue to do things the old way.
• Their energy goes into the past. They focus on a job or a location or a time that was stable and try to live life as if that state of affairs had never changed.

What to do if you are stuck in sadness:

• Acknowledge that you are sad. Don’t hide it behind the smokescreen of anger.
• Avoid blaming others and events for your sadness. Take responsibility for your feelings.
• Get to the root of what is creating your sadness. What are you afraid will happen or not happen in the new situation? What do you feel you are losing in the new situation that you won’t be able to regain? What aspects of your identity, sense of control or expectations are being jumbled by the change?
• Be aware of the tendency towards irrational thinking. Put your thoughts through a reality check. What’s the truth? If you had gone to gym more, would you have been able to prevent your wife from leaving you?
• What is it about the past that you found so comforting? What did you value about the past? What can you do in the new situation to create a sense of comfort and value?
• Take action to build a bridge between the past and the current reality.
• If you can’t move past the sadness, seek help from your physician, your minister or a trusted friend.

What to do if one of your direct reports is stuck in sadness:

• Realize that anger is often a smokescreen for Type A sadness. Don’t react to the anger by waging war with the person.
• Acknowledge the person’s feelings. “Ralph, you seem upset.”
• Then, instead of falling into the Type A traps of getting defensive, bulldozing over them or telling them to man up, ask an open ended question to explore and understand the root cause of their sadness. “What is it about the change that you find upsetting or unsettling?” “What do you feel you are losing in the new system?” “What did you like or value most about the old way?”
• Help build a bridge from the old way to the new way. “How can I help you get the same value from the new system?” “What can you do differently that will help you achieve the same comfort in the new system?”

Want help leading change? Give me a call.

Want to read the entire interview with Jack Nicholson? Check it out here: The Melancholy Confessions of Jack Nicholson, Mail Online

In last week’s Lightning Byte, I revealed that people react to unwanted change with some version of one of four reactions: anger, sadness, confusion and withdrawal. The underlying anchor for all four of these reactions is fear. It’s perfectly normal to experience these reactions when you are processing and making sense of change. In fact, all of us – even those of us who love change – will experience one of these reactions if the impact of the unwanted change is big enough. These reactions only become a problem when you get stuck and can’t process your feelings to move forward. In today’s Lightning Byte we’re going to take a closer look at the change reaction of anger.

Throw unwanted change at a Type A top performer and they usually respond in one of two ways. They rise to the challenge and take their game to an even higher level or they turn into a rampaging bear or a pissed off porcupine.

Type A anger in response to unwanted change comes in a lot of different packages.

Impassioned speeches. Daring ultimatums. Volcanic explosions. Intellectual inquisitions. Stealth sabotage. Arrogant arguments. Steely-eyed stonewalling. Righteous indignation. Dueling debates.

Even though the package may look different, make no mistake. All of these favorite Type A tactics are forms of anger and are unconsciously anchored in fear.

Here’s the deal. In the high speed, high stakes world of Type A top performers anger is – by far – the most common reaction to unwanted change. Why is that? There are two reasons.

1. Type A’s possess a signature power and passion that when combined create enormous intensity. It’s that Type A intensity that can rocket your organization to the highest stratosphere of success or, when the intensity burns out of control, into the deepest depths of destruction. Poke a Type A with unwanted change and that intensity can strike back like an angry rattlesnake.
2. Type A’s are known for their tenacious toughness. Expressing sadness and confusion is often considered to be a sign of weakness, whereas anger is worn as a badge of toughness for the world to see. Even when a Type A is feeling sadness and confusion, it’s much more likely they will disguise those ‘weak’ feelings with the more socially acceptable expression of anger. It’s their version of proudly waving the “Don’t Tread on Me” flag when they would much rather be wringing their hands in worry.

Let’s drill down and examine what all of this Type A anger is about.

Anger is associated with fighting, competing and winning. Think Dirty Harry and Rambo. If you’re a proud Type A top performer, when someone messes with your world you don’t go down without a fight.

As I have shared with you, the crisis of change occurs when change disturbs your sense of identity, diminishes your feelings of control and/or disrupts your expectations. Let’s be honest. Most Type A top performers have big egos, like to be in control and have enormous expectations for themselves and everyone else. It’s this special sauce that helps us be so successful and it’s also what can make us so difficult.

When unwanted change occurs, Type A top performers can easily fall into the trap of seeing the change – and the people who are leading the change – as the enemy to be feared and to be fought. They see the change as standing in the way of their quest for personal success. This mindset grabs the controls and shifts them into angry battle mode to wage war against the demon of change.

A few signs that someone is reacting to change with anger include:

• Positioning everything as a battle to be won or lost. The battle may be dressed up and disguised as an intellectual debate to justify it, but make no mistake. It’s still a battle. Their goal is to overpower and conquer not understand and collaborate.
• Attacking people, ideas and concepts to prove they are wrong and the attacker is right.
• Talking in a raised, intense tone of voice.
• Expressing frustration. (Frustration is low level anger.)
• Steamrolling over others when discussing the change.
• Investing a lot of time and energy in communicating the negative in an attempt to get others to adopt a negative attitude towards the change. Many times this behavior takes the form of guerilla warfare and is covert or occurs behind closed doors.
• Stonewalling and/or refusing to talk.
• Walking out of meetings.
• Backstabbing.
• Sabotaging change initiatives or change leaders.

Common verbal signs of anger in response to change include:

• “It will never work.”
• “I can’t believe this is happening.”
• “They are doing it to us again.”
• “I’m getting out of here.”
• “They’ll be sorry.”

Aligning and Engaging Type A Top Performers Behind Change

When you are leading change, get your Type A top performers aligned and engaged behind the change and watch your change initiative soar. Fail to engage your Type A top performers and watch your change initiative sputter, spin off track and creep along with the momentum of a drunken slug.

And, let’s be real. If your Type A superstars don’t buy into the change, they have plenty of options. They will simply hit the door for a better offer from one of your competitors. So, as a leader, if you want to undertake and successfully lead change, you better have an advance strategy for selling, aligning and engaging your Type A top performers before their anger hits the fan.

Here are some steps to craft that advance strategy:

• Examine the impact of the proposed change on your Type A top performer.

How may the change impact the individual’s sense of identity, sense of control/power and his expectations? Identify both the potential negative and positive impacts as perceived from the individual’s perspective, not your perspective. Step into her shoes and take a good, long look.

• Now, craft a message about the change that clearly anticipates, acknowledges and addresses the potential negative and positive impacts your Type A top performer may perceive.

Ignore this step and your change initiative is already behind the eight ball before it has a chance. When you fail to talk about the perceived potential negative consequences, it makes you look like you have your head in the sand or you’re trying to pull a fast one. Type A top performers don’t respect leaders who look clueless or who appear slimy. And they certainly don’t willingly and happily follow the leaders who they don’t respect.

• Expand the conversation about the change initiative beyond your business goals to identify and communicate what’s in it personally for your Type A top performer.

Show them how they will win when the change is successful. Here’s a hint. Don’t use the trite ‘win-win’ phrase. That will turn them off quicker than a bad case of food poisoning.

• Focus on their reactions to the change BEFORE you take action.

This is probably one of the biggest mistakes Type A leaders make when launching a change initiative. They just steamroll ahead taking actions to drive the change without respectfully and effectively handling the individuals’ reactions to the change. This oversight sets you up for a long battle and there’s nothing pretty about two Type A titans waging war in a workplace.

• Ask for their commitment to get behind and support the change.

After you ask, shut up and wait for their response. You want them to actually say something in response to your request. Don’t ask for their commitment and then rush off to another meeting assuming that their commitment is there. Get them to verbally say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. If they say ‘no’, ask what needs to be different for them to be supportive.

If you are personally stuck in anger, try the following.

• Acknowledge your anger.

Call it what it is. Ignoring it or pretending it is something else only perpetuates its hold over you. Is your anger a smokescreen for sadness or confusion?

• Pinpoint the source of your fear.

Identify what it is that you fear will happen as a result of the change. Is the change impacting your identity? Your sense of control and power? Your expectations?

• Find a healthier way to vent your anger.

Try exercising or talking with a trusted friend, minister or counselor. Go out with friends and laugh. Do something besides stewing on your anger.

• Expand your perspective.

Challenge yourself to see the unwanted change as an opportunity to grow and learn new skills and attitudes. How will the change offer you new opportunities for success? Be curious and open.

• Take action to accept the new reality or move on.

If you absolutely can’t accept the changes, that’s fine. Do yourself a favor and find another job, house, spouse, etc… If you choose to stay in a bad situation to feed your anger, that’s more about you and not the changes you’re waging battle against.

One final note about anger as a response to change. When Type A’s are locked in an angry battle over change, I often hear thoughts similar to what this reader wrote:

Dear Ms. Cannon:

I appreciate the email regarding thinking about change. There are many elements of the note that are good food for thought. However, there is one statement that I found inconsistent with your message and I found detracting from your work. There is also a theme that I think is missing that would have also been helpful. With regard to the detracting statement, I think it would have been better to leave out the statement “ you could be an ass or an asset”. It is this dichotomous thinking, black or white, that is not very nuanced. I find it patronizing. It sends a message that you are with “with us or against us if you are not with us”. It does not permit the notion of having a different point of view, of being the loyal opposition. It does not promote critical thinking, and promotes complacency and blanket acceptance of a condition. It does not promote engagement. The alternative message, as potentially interpreted from your note, is to be a blind follower. I don’t think you intend that message, but it could be inferred since the tone seems to very pro-management.

Let me be clear. I’m not suggesting that you roll over and blindly follow change. There are times when anger is the best initial response to change because it can mobilize resources to correct horrific injustices. For instance, anger was a healthy initial response when Hitler was killing thousands of innocent, defenseless people in concentration camps or when the towers came crumbling down on 9/11. Thankfully, it’s the rare instance when we are faced with horrific situations where the stakes are so high and lives are being lost.

More often than not, the change we get torqued over is non-life threatening change that is happening all around us at work, at home and in society. Using too much anger in these change situations more often hurts us rather than helps us. If you get stuck in the anger, you become more focused on feeding your anger than being open to hearing other points of view, trying on new notions, building bridges and working towards the common good.

Take it from me. I know from personal experience, when you get stuck in anger overdrive, you shift being a Type A asset into being a Type A ass.

Mark Twain sums it up nicely:

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

Next week, we’ll continue the series on change by taking a closer look at sadness in response to change.

Want help defusing anger and aligning and engaging your Type A top performers behind critical change initiatives? Give me a call.

Error Message: Your hard drive has failed.

Poof. Quicker than you can say Dancing With The Stars, I went from DVR powerful to DVR powerless. All of the movies waiting to be watched? Gone. The season premieres of the hottest new shows. Up in digital smoke. The ability to watch my favorite shows commercial-free on my own Type A timetable? Down the drain.

In the blink of a nanobyte, change flipped me off, around and upside down. Has that ever happened to you?

Love it or hate it, nothing trips a Type A trigger quicker than change. Put us in the change driver’s seat and we’re all gung ho and full speed ahead. Throw an unexpected curveball into our carefully thought out plans and we morph into a Type A monster.

Here’s the deal. When it comes to change, Type A top performers are either rocking and rolling or ranting and resisting.

How do you react when change throws you a curveball? If you are like most folks, your reaction falls into one of four common categories: anger, confusion, sadness or withdrawal. These reactions to change are perfectly normal and are to be expected. They only become a problem if you get stuck in these reactions and can’t move past them.

If you’re a gung ho “I love change” guru who can’t imagine ever feeling anger, confusion, sadness or the need to withdraw and gather your thoughts in response to change, think again. When change is unexpected and big enough, even you will experience one of these reactions.

Don’t believe me?

Rewind to 9/11. What was your reaction as you watched the towers disintegrate into bloody rubble against a beautiful blue sky? How did you feel? Were you mad as a hornet? Overcome with sadness? Paralyzed by confusion? I’m willing to bet that even you – the gung ho “I love change” Type A superstar – had to take a few minutes or hours or weeks to wrap your head around what had just happened.

When change occurs, you react.

Over the next several weeks, we’re going to drill down and take a closer look at each of these reactions and what you can do to help yourself and your colleagues move past them.

How does change trip your trigger?

The bottom of the card said:

“As a kid, remember how you used to hold up your fingers when people asked how old you were? You can still do that now.”

I opened the card and continued reading.

“And you’ll only need one finger. Happy Birthday.”

I just had to laugh. Yes, I’m getting older. Thank you for reminding me.

Love them, ignore them or hate them, birthdays are Father Time’s annual reminder that we can’t escape change. We might nip and tuck, color and botox, but change in one form or another is inevitable. So why is it that we resist change?

Here’s the deal. Resistance occurs when change disrupts your Identity, your sense of Control and/or your Expectations. You can remember it like this: The roots of resistance are ICE.

Let’s take a closer look.

The first root of resistance is Identity

“I’m thrilled we’re expecting a baby, but I can’t get used to the idea of being a father.”

“I don’t like to delegate to my direct reports because I’m a do-it-yourself kind of guy.”

“Don’t call me a Longhorn. I may have a degree from the University of Texas but I’m a hard core Texas A&M Aggie!”

Think about all of the hundreds of labels you use to describe who you are. Male or female, son or daughter, father or mother, young or old, Type A or Type B, engineer, boss, singer, biker dude, successful, religious, tall, thin, blonde, athletic, rich, Democratic, etc… All of these labels come together in a kaleidoscope to create your identity. Your identity is how you describe and explain who you are in the world.

When change impacts these labels, your identity is also impacted. You must redefine ‘who’ you are. You go from being single to being married to being divorced. You go from being a frontline employee to being a manager to being an executive. You go from being svelte and sexy to being wrinkled and wise. You go from being athletic to being arthritic. Even if the change is positive and welcomed, such as the birth of much loved baby or the promotion to a new job, change can still shake up how you see yourself. This can scare you right down to your toenails. When you are scared, resistance wraps itself around you like an invisible python and prevents you from adjusting to the change in a healthy and productive way.

If you are feeling resistance to a change, ask: “What is it about this change that is impacting how I see myself?”

The second root of resistance is Control

“Don’t tell me what to do!”

From back seat drivers, to political one-upmanship to DVRs, humans like to feel in control. When you believe you have influence or control over a change, you usually perceive that change to be positive. When change is perceived as positive, resistance is low. For example, you decide to cut back on your calories to lose a few pounds in preparation for swimsuit season. You control the change. You see it as positive.

On the other hand, if you feel like you don’t have much influence or control, you usually perceive the change to be negative. For instance, in the middle of your project, you get re-assigned to a new team without any warning or consultation. You have no control or influence over the decision. You see the change as negative. That’s when resistance shows up like a petulant toddler kicking and screaming.

When it comes to change, control and resistance go up and down like a seesaw. As perceived control goes up, resistance goes down. As perceived control goes down, resistance goes up.

If you are feeling resistance to a change, ask: “Where do I feel like I’ve lost control?”

The third root of resistance is Expectations.

“That’s not what I expected when I signed up for this job!”

You turn the key in your car’s ignition and you expect it to start. You take a big swig of black coffee and you expect it to be hot. You work hard and you expect to be successful. Run into a dead battery, an ice cold mouth of Joe or a pink slip and your expectations are shattered. You’re frustrated, shocked, confused and downright ticked off.

Change disrupts expectations. When your expectations are disrupted, it can throw you for a loop. When you no longer know what to expect, it’s natural to feel confused, deceived, afraid, angry or sad. It’s these feelings that fertilize and water resistance.

If you are feeling resistance to a change, ask: “What was I expecting in the past that I am afraid will no longer occur?”

To Move Past Your Resistance To Change:
1. Find the positives of the change and add that to your identity. If you look hard enough, you can always find something that is positive about a change. My mother’s long and slow death from cancer was heartbreaking and horrific. Going through that difficult change made me stronger, more grateful and more patient as a person.

2. While you may not feel like you have control over the change, you have complete control over how you choose to respond. You can be an ass or you can be an asset. It’s your choice. Instead of reacting with resistance, be curious. Open your mind. Listen and learn. Look for the positive possibilities instead of focusing on the potential problems.

3. Adjust your expectations and create new ones when needed. You control your expectations. If arthritic knees won’t let you run marathons anymore, switch to a bike and enjoy the wind in your face. Instead of being rigid and resistant, be resilient.

Want to beef up your change toolbox? Give me a call.

“Music’s alright, John, but you’ll never make a living out of it.”

John Lennon’s Aunt Mimi Smith

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”

Decca Recording Company rejecting the Beatles, January 1962

“They were very scruffy characters – but they had a beat in their music which I liked…I got into a lot of trouble over it. Everyone said they were too rough, too untidy. But I liked them. I put them on again and again.”

Johnny Hamp, producer of People and Places – the Beatles first televised appearance

“I was not entirely thrilled with it myself, to tell you the truth. It was not a musical phenomenon to me. The phenomenon was a social one, of these rather tawdry-looking guys, we thought at the time, with their long hair and this crazy singing of theirs, this meaningless ‘wah-wah-wah, wee-wee-wee’ stuff they were doing.”

Walter Cronkite after CBS News aired a segment on the Beatles on December 10, 1962

“I think the Beatles will be really popular here and, if you could get one of their records that would be really great.”

14 year old Marsha Albert launching the American Beatle craze by writing to DJ Carroll James after watching the Beatles on CBS News

“The Beatles are not merely awful…They are so unbelievably horrible, so appallingly unmusical, so dogmatically insensitive to the magic of the art, that they qualify as crowned heads of antimusic.”

William F Buckley, Jr

How could there be so many different reactions to the Beatles? Simple. Each individual was moving to the music.

Let me show you how this works.

By definition, change creates movement. In the case of the Beatles, they were creating a new movement in music.

You react to the movement of change in one of three ways. You move towards the change, you move away from the change or you actively move against the change.

When change plays center stage, three characters show up. The torchbearer, the mugwump and the assassin.

Torchbearers move towards the change. Like Johnny Hamp and Marsha Albert, the torchbearer champions, supports and leads the change even in the face of skepticism and resistance. The torchbearer fully commits to the change and establishes a positive personal connection to the change. The torchbearer takes personal responsibility for initiating improvements, finding solutions and anticipating future needs.

Mugwumps move away from the change like it’s a stinky diaper on a hot day. Mugwumps don’t get significantly involved in the change. They want to distance themselves from the change. They don’t actively attack the change but they also don’t actively support it. A mugwump may tell you that he agrees with the change, but his actions don’t match his words. Or, you may see a mugwump sitting on the fence and refusing to publicly share her opinion on the change. Mugwumps may also complain about and vocally oppose the change without actively fighting the change. Aunt Mimi, Decca Records and Walter Cronkite were mugwumps.

Assassins move against the change. The goal of the assassin is to kill the change by actively working against it and against the organization. The assassin actively resists the change and creates resistance to the change in others. The weapons of the assassin are blaming, finger pointing, covert sabotage, defiant public protests, undermining and negative, counter-productive behaviors. The assassin denies any responsibility for his behavior and shifts the blame to what he feel is misguided change. William F. Buckley played the role of the assassin.

How are you moving to the music of change?

“How can I go forward when I don’t know which way I’m facing?”

John Lennon

Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah.

Ever listen to someone who, long after you’ve spaced out, continued to blab on? What did you think of that person? Probably self-absorbed and interpersonally clueless. Being long-winded is a sure route to career failure, indeed life failure.

Of course, no one thinks they’re perceived as talking too much, otherwise they wouldn’t do it. But without realizing it, could you be one of those irritating people?

True Or False:

1. You think of yourself as a talker rather than a listener.

2. In conversation, your utterances frequently exceed one minute in length. (This is the most important indicator that you talk too much.)

3. You are able to come up with many ideas on the fly, so you want to express them all in one fell swoop.

4. You’re detail-oriented. People who are detail-oriented often include details that seem important to them but bore the pants off the typical listener.

5. People at their workspaces tend to look away from you when you walk by. (They’re afraid you’ll come over and bend their ear for 10 minutes.)

6. The people who know you best have called you self-absorbed, narcissistic, oblivious, selfish, or egocentric. A conversation is about sharing and paying attention to your conversation partner’s needs.

7. You don’t stay alert for a sign that your listener wishes you’d shut up: eyes wandering more than 1/3 of the time (or the opposite, staring frozen at you), finger or toe tapping, frequently interrupting you, a body position that suggests the person is trying to get away from you, frequently saying “uh-huh” as if urging you to get on with it. Yes, some listeners are impatient by nature, but if you observe such reactions from more than one-fourth of the people you converse with, the problem is more likely you.

The more times you answered “true” to those six questions, the more you need to follow The Traffic Light rule of thumb: During the first 30 seconds of an utterance, your light is green: your listener is probably paying attention. During the second 30 seconds, your light is yellow—your listener may be starting to wish you’d finish. After the one-minute mark, your light is red: Yes, there are rare times you should “run a red light:” when your listener is obviously fully engaged in your missive. But usually, when an utterance exceeds one minute, with each passing second, you increase the risk of boring your listener and having them think of you as a chatterbox, windbag, or blowhard.

How do you ensure you’re seen as interesting not annoying? Try these:

1. As you’re talking, keep asking yourself, “Does this detail risk boring my listener, risk your being thought of as the King or Queen of Hot Air?

2. Unless you’re saying something you know deserves more than a minute, at the 30-second mark, look for a place to stop. If your listener wants more, he or she can ask a question. She rarely will. Try it and see.

What if you’re saying something that requires more than a minute? Break it up into segments, and after each segment, ask something like, “What do you think of that?” or “Am I being clear? Really?” The “really” is important because it lets the listener know that your request is not gratuitous: you really want that question or comment

3. Be alert to your listener’s non-verbal cues, especially as your utterance passes the 30-second mark. Does your listener seem fully engaged?

Remember, anyone who cares about other people must make them part of a conversation. And if you tend to be selfish, know that you’ll get more of what you want if you trade in your talk-talk-talk self for someone who truly listens as much as he or she talks.

Lest I be accused of not practicing what I preach, I’m going to stop this column right here. Anyone wish I prattled on?

Dr. Marty Nemko is among the nation’s most sought-after experts on both career and education issues. Marty has been interviewed by hundreds of major media–including multiple times on everything from The Today Show to NPR’s Talk of the Nation, from the New York Times to the Los Angeles Times, from Time to Cosmopolitan. You can learn more at www.martynemko.com.

The nondescript email flagged me down like a stranded motorist on a deserted highway.
“It could take at least an hour just to get through the background and resolving the problem.”

My curiosity snapped to attention. An hour? Must be a humdinger of a gnarly mess.

“I don’t know what to do, but I know I can’t punch her in the face.”

Holy Toledo! This is serious. I reached for the phone and punched in the number.

A wobbly voice picked up on the first ring. In less than sixty seconds, I was up to my ears in an episode of Bully Impossible.

For months this mild mannered, fun-loving, conflict-avoiding Ms. Type B had been savagely harassed by a Type A Pit Bull in Pearls over trivial office tidbits. To stop the blood thirsty beast, Ms. Type B had tried all flavors of apologizing, avoiding and attacking, but nothing worked. The assaults continued to escalate. Now, reeling from the latest snarling rampage and fresh out of ideas, Ms. Type B was wavering between collapsing in a nervous breakdown or serving up a knuckle sandwich.

Have you ever felt this way?

I’ve got good news. You can stop the bully without losing your face, your marbles or your cool. But I’m jumping ahead.

Let me share a little more of the story because I bet you’ve been caught in this same conundrum.

Seems Ms. Pit Bull had been the CEO’s administrative assistant until a corporate merger sent her boss packing. Rather than terminate her position, the company assigned Ms. Pit Bull to be a floater and help out wherever she was needed. That’s when Ms. Type A Pit Bull morphed into Bully Impossible.

The first time Ms. Pit Bull went into a snarling rage over some itty bitty snafu, the peace-loving, conflict-avoiding Ms. Type B apologized profusely for the imagined wrong. The apology was like waving a bloody bone under Ms. Pit Bull’s snout. She smelled an easy kill. She wanted more.

The second time Ms. Pit Bull attacked, Ms. Type B apologized again, but this time the apology only served to escalate the frenzied onslaught. Baffled by the failure of her apology to appease the beast, Ms. Type B began avoiding Ms. Pit Bull. Like a blood hound in hot pursuit of a tasty T-bone, Ms. Pit Bull continued sniff out every opportunity to pounce on Ms. Type B.

After a few months of this, feeling bewildered, beaten down and desperate, Ms. Type B finally fought back and then, as her gentle nature would dictate, she apologized for her attack. That is exactly what the power hungry, pugilistic Pit Bull wanted. A real fight and a surrender.

The attacks became even more vicious, frequent and public. Ms. Pit Bull began copying the top dogs on her overblown email accusations. It was at this point that Ms. Type B sent me the SOS.

Here’s the secret to stopping a Bully Impossible.
Bullies play for power and fighting is their sport of choice. They want to keep you off balance and on guard so the power shifts to them. They want to control your reaction.

Since bullies play for power, it was not surprising that Ms. Pit Bull morphed into Bully Impossible when she was re-assigned to a new job. Think about it. Ms. Pit Bull was used to being top dog. Now she was just another canine in a cubicle hunting for something to do. Without a permanent job assignment and the power and prestige of her previous position, she had to find another way to elevate her status in the pack. That’s when she went looking for a fight and fur started flying.

Ms. Type B’s reactions to the attacks – apologize, avoid, attack, apologize – gave Ms. Pit Bull exactly what she wanted. This led to the escalation of Ms. Pit Bull’s pugilistic shenanigans. Ms. Type B was unwittingly playing Ms. Pit Bull’s game.

To stop the bully, don’t choose to play the game. If there’s no game, the bully will get bored and move on.

Sidestep the fight, walk the high road and stay grounded. It’s as simple as that.

Seven Steps to Stop Bully Impossible

1. Be very factual, positive and professional in all of your communication no matter what. This decreases the chance that you may inadvertently give Bully Impossible another bone to chew on.
2. Stop attacking. When you attack, you justify Bully Impossible’s next attack.
3. Stop avoiding. When you avoid, you’re telling Bully Impossible that you are afraid and she has the power.
4. Stop apologizing or saying “I’m sorry.” That signals weakness and invites another attack.
5. Shift the focus away from nitpicky complaints and blaming onto larger, more important shared goals that you both can agree on. “Excellent service from our IT department is important to keep things running smoothly.”
6. Assume agreement about these common goals. “You and I both want IT problems to be addressed.”
7. Finally, when Bully Impossible lobs that next grenade your way, choose not to play. Just smile, say “No Thanks.” and go on about your business.

Want help dealing with a Bully Impossible? Give me a call.

This article is reprinted with permission by Talent Smart.

A new relationship – whether personal, romantic, or professional – is a lot like buying a new car. Driving it off the lot is pure bliss. As you look around, you can scarcely take it all in. Everything smells, sounds, and looks terrific. You coast through weeks or months – maybe even years – of happy driving before you’re aware of anything that needs fixing. And like a car, when a relationship breaks down, it’s overwhelming; you’re left stuck on the side of the road wondering what went wrong.

A trained eye knows when a car is in trouble. From the sound of the idle to the color of the exhaust exiting the tailpipe, there are telltale signs of distress. The same is true of relationships, and you can be your own mechanic. Researchers at the University of Washington discovered four clear indicators of relationship failure (dubbed “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”) so profound that they predict the future success of a relationship with 93% accuracy. The researchers in Washington conducted their studies with married couples, and their accuracy rate for predicting divorce has held up for more than 14 years after watching couples interact.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The Four Horsemen reveal problems for relationships of all types. They represent the counterproductive acts we can easily fall victim to when our emotions get the better of us. As you read each of the Horsemen and consider its relevance in your relationships, remember that conflict itself is not a problem. Conflict is actually a normal and (ideally) productive part of two people with different needs and interests working together. The researchers in Washington found that the amount of conflict between two people had no bearing on the success of the relationship. It’s how conflict is handled that determines a relationship’s success, and the Four Horsemen’s presence means conflict is not being dealt with constructively or productively. Follow the strategies provided for overcoming each of the Four Horseman, and your relationships are bound to be successful.

The 1st Horseman: Criticism

Criticism is not to be confused with delivering feedback or otherwise seeking improvement or change in another person. Criticism becomes, well, criticism when it isn’t constructive (“This report is terrible.”). Criticism, in its most troubling form, focuses on the individual’s personality, character, or interests rather than the specific action or behavior you’d like to see changed (“You are terrible at writing. You’re so disorganized and tangential.”). It’s one thing to criticize without being constructive; it’s another to go after someone for something they are unable to change.

Overcoming Criticism:

If you find yourself criticizing when you planned on being constructive, it’s best if you don’t deliver your feedback and commentary unless you’ve planned ahead. You’ll need to think through what you’re going to say and stick to your script in order to remain constructive and avoid criticism. It’s also best if you focus your feedback on a single specific behavior, as your reactions to multiple behaviors at once can easily be perceived as criticism. If you find that you cannot deliver feedback without generalizing to the other person’s personality, you’re better off saying nothing at all.

The 2nd Horseman: Contempt

Contempt is any open sign of disrespect toward another. Contempt often involves comments that aim to take the other person down a notch, as well as direct insults. Contempt is also seen in indirect and veiled forms, such as rolling of the eyes and couching insults within “humor.”

Overcoming Contempt:

Contempt stems from a lack of interest in the other person. When you find that you don’t enjoy or admire someone – perhaps there are things about him or her that used to be interesting or charming and now they’ve lost their luster – contempt can surface unexpectedly. If your disinterest is unavoidable and the relationship is one that isn’t going anywhere, such as a family member or coworker, then you need to focus on managing the relationship itself. People who manage relationships well are able to see the benefit of connecting with many different people, even those they are not fond of. Common ground, no matter how small, is a commodity to be sought and cherished. In the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln, “I do not like that man. I must get to know him better.”

The 3rd Horseman: Defensiveness

Denying responsibility, making excuses, meeting one complaint with another, and other forms of defensiveness are problematic, because they prevent a conflict from reaching any sort of resolution. Defensiveness only serves to accelerate the anxiety and tension experienced by both parties, and this makes it difficult to focus on the larger issues at hand that need to be resolved.

Overcoming Defensiveness:

To overcome defensiveness, you have to be willing to listen carefully to the other party’s complaint, even if you don’t see things the same way. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Instead, you focus on fully understanding the other person’s perspective so that you can work together towards resolving the conflict. It’s critical that you work to remain calm. Once you understand why the other person is upset, it’s much easier to find common ground than if you dismiss their opinions defensively.

The 4th Horseman: Stonewalling

Stonewalling is what happens when one person shuts the discussion down by refusing to respond. Examples of stonewalling include the silent treatment, being emotionally distant or devoid of emotion, and ignoring the other person completely. Stonewalling is problematic, because it aggravates the person being stonewalled and it prevents the two from working on resolving the conflict together.

Overcoming Stonewalling

The key to overcoming stonewalling is to participate in the discussion. If you’re stonewalling because the circumstances are leaving you feeling overwhelmed, let the other person know how you’re feeling and ask for some time to think before continuing the discussion. Maintain eye contact and a forward posture and nod your head to let the other person know that you are engaged in the discussion and listening even when you don’t have something to say. If you stonewall as a matter of practice, you need to realize that participating in discussions and working together to resolve conflict are the only ways to keep your relationships from crumbling.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Travis Bradberry, Ph.D.

Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and the cofounder of TalentSmart, a think tank and consultancy that serves more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies and is the world’s leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training. His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Dr. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, Forbes, Fast Company, Inc., U.S. News and World Report, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.